Season 7

Fly through the SEASONS:

1
#'s 1 - 36
2
#'s 37 - 74
3
#'s 75 - 107
4
#'s 108 - 140
5
#'s 141 - 170
6
#'s 171 - 200
7
#'s 201- 228
8
#'s 229 - 254

This page contains the episodes:
  201   203   204   207   208   209   210   211   212   214
217   220   221   223   224   227 


# 201, To Go or Not To Go, That is the Question

TEASER

Stephens’ Breakfast Room:

  • Script: Darrin enters, completely absorbed in a sheaf of papers. He aims a kiss at Samantha, but misses. She has to say, "Good morning" twice before he replies and then it is to say, “Orange, grapefruit juice, anything . . .”. They continue with how he wants his eggs, soft boiled, sunny side up, scrambled . . Samantha finally tells him she can change the eggs into waffles, or a pancake, or an omelet. He still pays no attention. . Finally Samantha asks if he had trouble sleeping last night since it was so hot. Darrin replies that if it is hot, he will have a cup.
  • Episode: The lines about the juice are cut as are most of the lines about the eggs. The bit about the pancakes is cut as well as Samantha’s line about the trouble sleeping, and Darrin’s reply.

  • Script: Endora POPS in with a gift box. After Endora’s line about Darrin being a terrible tiger, the script continues:
    ENDORA: [puts the gift box in front of Darrin] Maybe this will make you purr. [Darrin and Samantha exchange looks as Darrin opens the box] The house looks simply fabulous since you redecorated. You’re both to be complimented, . . .Samantha for your exquisite taste and you, Durwood, for not interfering.
    DARRIN: Gee, thanks. [Darrin has opened the box and takes out a tie, which he holds up]. Let me guess. As soon as I put it around my neck, it turns into a noose, right?
    ENDORA: I’m hurt. Crushed.
    SAMANTHA: It’s a little too early for your matinee performance, Mother. We’ll catch your evening show.
    DARRIN: As I was saying . . .the office has landed Gotham Industries. It’s a giant conglomerate [spelling error, but this is what is in the script].
    ENDORA: [shudders] Fearful looking creatures. But I thought they were extinct like dinosaurs.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, why don’t you go play with the children.
  • Episode: All lines between the, “terrible tiger” line and the, “play with the children” line, are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [picks up the tie and studies it] What do you suppose is wrong with this?
    SAMANTHA: It’s possible Mother just wanted to be nice.
    DARRIN: Your Mother?
    SAMANTHA: Let’s see if we can figure out what’s wrong with this. [they examine the tie as the scene fades out]
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.


ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: After Endora POPS into the living room she goes to the sofa and sits.
  • Episode: Endora has lines added about how beautiful the house is and that it , "is Samantha".

  • Script: Endora gives Samantha the orders to attend the Convocation in Salem. Samantha refuses to go. Endora says it is not an invitation, but an order. Samantha still refuses to leave Darrin and go. She tells Endora to send her regrets.
  • Episode: Most of this scene is cut.

Stephens’ Living Room: [later]

  • Script: Endora has turned Darrin into a toad. With Endora’s line that she will turn Darrin back when he has come to his senses, the scene ends.
  • Episode: Added at the end are lines by Samantha [after she picks up the toad] that for a toad, he is beautiful. She kisses the toad and remarks that he has cold lips.

Stephens’ Bathroom:

  • Script: Samantha has lines about Darrin attacking all witches. She then says not all witches are like her mother; that her father can be very nice, and other witches have good qualities. She then asks what is to be done. [the toad croaks rapidly]. She continues, saying that giving her mother a case of warts won’t help. She then suggests turning herself into a toad.
  • Episode: All lines between the comment on all witches and turning herself into a toad are cut. The scene ends with both of them making toad sounds.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script: Samantha asks Darrin about getting out of the big account he talked Larry into. Darrin replies that he will talk Larry out of it in the morning.
  • Episode: Between these lines are added lines by Darrin and Samantha. Darrin has lines where he says the same talent that talked Larry into giving him the account will talk him out of it. Samantha answers that Darrin said that the account was the biggest thing that ever happened to him. Darrin replies that Samantha is the biggest thing that ever happened to him.


ACT II

Larry’s Office:

  • Script: Darrin says he has not had a vacation in two years. Larry replies that he doesn’t care if Darrin has not had a vacation in two hundred years.
  • Episode: The lines are changed to four years and four hundred years.

  • Script:
    LARRY: The word is outrageous. I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
    DARRIN: You could if you had any psychiatric insight. Would a normal man with my workload ask to handle an account as big as Gotham? It’s insanity!
    LARRY: But you said . . .
    DARRIN: My wanting the Gotham account was clearly an attempt to increase my work obligation to the breaking point in order to make it apparent to you that what I need is a vacation. [Larry looks at him like he really is “wigged out”]
    LARRY: That’s apparent to me now.
  • Episode: All lines between the first and last lines are cut.

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script: [there are intercuts between Darrin in his office and Samantha at home] Darrin calls Samantha to tell her he got out of the Gotham job. There is a long conversation about Darrin giving up the account. Samantha is still so shook up over the arrival of Hepzibah that she frequently makes no sense to Darrin. Feeling that something is wrong, Darrin says he is coming home. Samantha tells him not to rush, she is expecting company. Darrin wants to know who, and finding it is Hepzibah, he is more confused than ever.
  • Episode: The above scene is entirely cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: The script calls for Hepzibah’s arrival to be preceded by a crash of thunder, a bolt of lightning, three seconds of total darkness, a blare of trumpets, clashing of gongs and rolling of drums, and a military band playing, "Hail to the Chief". When the lights come back on, Hepzibah is seated on a throne with black panthers [script says they may be Russian Wolfhounds] on either side of her.
  • Episode: There is no blackout. There is a strong wind. Most of the living room furniture disappears. There is a starburst just before Hepzibah appears. She has a Doberman on either side of her.

  • Script: Hepzibah says that Darrin is “four hands” high.
  • Episode: The height is properly corrected to “seventeen hands”.

  • Script: In Hepzibah’s speech about always having a soft spot for Samantha, she refers to Samantha’s brief reign as queen.
  • Episode: The reference to Samantha as queen is deleted.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script: [Hepzibah has made Samantha and Darrin invisible and zapped them to their room]:
    DARRIN: Sam, I fail to see the humor in this situation.
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, just try and stay calm.
    DARRIN: Calm! That Grand Priestess of old bats makes us both invisible . . .what’s there to be calm about?
    SAMANTHA: Careful, Sweetheart. Hepzibah’s a very powerful witch and . . .
    DARRIN [interrupting] I don’t care. She has no right to do this to us.
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, you’re hardly in a position to debate the issue.
    DARRIN: Where I come from a man is measured by his principles . . .not his visibility.
  • Episode: The above lines are cut and replaced with:
    SAMANTHA: Where are you going?
    DARRIN: Maybe I can’t be seen, but believe me I’m going to be heard.
    SAMANTHA: Be careful, Sweetheart.
    DARRIN: I’m merely going to tell that old bat what I think of her! [These lines appear in the script after Endora’s scene with Hepzibah].


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: Hepzibah’s last line is, "Well, you don’t expect me to live in a ghetto, do you?"
  • Episode: “Ghetto”, is changed to, “hovel”.

  • Script: Episode ends with Samantha and Darrin’s reaction to Hepzibah’s last line.
  • Episode: The announcer, in a voiceover, has the line, “The fate of Samantha’s marriage hangs in the balance until Hepzibah makes her royal decision next week on Bewitched”.

 

 

# 203, The Salem Saga, part 1

TEASER

Stephens’ Entry:

  • Script: The scene opens with the camera on four suitcases and a dressing case. The camera pulls back as Darrin appears:
    DARRIN: [calling] Sam, the cab’s here!
  • Episode: The scene opens in the living room with Endora seated on the sofa holding Adam. Samantha and Tabitha stand next to her.
    SAMANTHA: [added line] I can’t imagine what’s keeping Esmeralda. [The scene shifts to the suitcases in the entry hall and follows the script].

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: Adam is in his stroller.
  • Episode: Endora holds Adam in her lap.

  • Script: As Samantha and Darrin approach the door, Endora follows them, pushing Adam in his stroller.
  • Episode: Endora remains seated with Adam in her lap.

  • Script: After the cab driver’s line about “two witches of his own”, he exits with the bags as Darrin and Samantha ad-lib good-byes, and exit, with Tabitha, Endora and Adam waving from the doorway. The script calls for Endora to get Adam to do whatever he is capable of doing at his age.
  • Episode: The “good-byes” are short. Tabitha remains near the sofa, Endora remains seated, Adam does little.

Interior of Airplane:

  • Script: Calls for an interior pan showing passengers in the first class cabin, with few empty seats. The traveler’s are mainly businessmen and are well-established travelers. Some are sleeping, some reading, some listening to music. The stewardesses are shown “to-ing and fro-ing” as they serve the passengers.
  • Episode: This pan scene is cut and the scene begins with a close-up of Darrin and Samantha with her line, “I hope Esmeralda’s gotten to the house by now”.


ACT I

Airplane Interior with View of One Wing:

  • Script: A woman passenger sees Endora on the wing and calls the stewardess for a glass of water to take some pills. In leaning over, the stewardess also sees Endora, but acts to cover up what she has seen. The stewardess gives the woman a glass of water, and exits with as much dignity as she can muster. The woman takes more pills.
  • Episode: The woman asks for water, the stewardess sees Endora, and gets the woman a glass of water. She is not shown giving the water to the woman, nor is the woman shown taking additional pills.

Airplane Galley:

  • Script: [Stewardess Elsie is preparing a tray of coffee when stewardess # 1 runs in.]
    STEWARDESS # 1: Elsie, now there are two of them out there on the wing.
    ELSIE: [regards her, smiles] Wow, you must have had some night!
    STEWARDESS # 1: [trying to cope] Not really. Just went to dinner at the Vagabundo with that writer from Hollywood.
    ELSIE: [kindly] I have two pieces of advice for you. Stay away from Italian food and Hollywood writers for a while. [Stewardess # 1 nods affirmatively but blankly].
  • Episode: After the line, “You must have had some night!” the rest of the conversation is cut.

  • Script: Stewardess # 1 has dragged Elsie to a window near the galley where they can see the wing. There is no one there. Stewardess # 1 bumps her head as she stands erect.
    ELSIE: What did you and your writer friend do after dinner?
    STEWARDESS # 1: Nothing. He dropped me at my apartment and he didn’t even come up for a nightcap.
    ELSIE: [wisely] Your problem is simple. Tonight, find yourself a guy who’ll come up for a nightcap. [Elsie exits, leaving a glassy-eyed stewardess behind].
  • Episode: After Stewardess # 1 bumps her head, the scene ends.

Airfield:

  • Script: A boarding ramp has been pushed up to the plane and passengers are disembarking.
  • Episode: The scene begins with a shot of the airplane landing, and then shifts to the disembarking scene in the script.

Salem Street:

  • Script: A sign tells us that we’re in Salem. It is a caricature of an old hag witch with a sign stating: “Freedom Trail”, etc.
  • Episode: This bit is omitted

The House of Seven Gables:

  • Script: Miss Ferndale is describing the contents of the House of Seven Gables to a group of tourists, including Darrin and Samantha. She mentions a Georgian sideboard with Gesso figurines, and a chair made by a local carpenter when Salem was known as Naumqueeg, which was later changed to Shalom [the Hebrew word for peace], and finally corrupted to Salem.
  • Episode: The bit about the Georgian sideboard is cut. The remainder of the speech is made a background [with only part of it being heard] for Samantha’s fight with the bedwarmer as it blocks her entering the living room.


ACT II

Hotel Room:

  • Script: [Endora has arrived and been told about the bedwarmer]
    ENDORA: [takes bedwarmer] He’s probably a Warlock whose powers weren’t too effective.
    SAMANTHA: Why do you say that?
    ENDORA: He may not have been able to protect himself; and somebody changed him into an inanimate object to escape detection.
    SAMANTHA: And then forgot to change him back.
    ENDORA: Apparently.
  • Episode: In the above sequence, all of Samantha’s lines are cut, and Endora’s lines are compressed into, “He’s probably a Warlock whose powers weren’t too effective; and somebody turned him into an inanimate object to escape detection.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [to Samantha] Anyway, do you realize the trouble we can get into if this thing is found in our possession?
    ENDORA: As far as I’m concerned Durwood, your trouble began the day you were born.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, will you stop heckling and let’s try and get this . . .this . . .whoever he is, restored.
  • Episode: Endora and Samantha’s lines are cut.


TRAILER

Hotel Room:

  • Script and Episode agree.

Wild Lines: Additional background lines for Miss Ferndale while Samantha fights with the bedwarmer in the House of Seven Gables:
MISS FERNDALE: If you will follow me to the window, you will see out in the garden a complex of three other seventeenth century houses that were restored and moved here. To the right is Nathaniel Hawthorne’s birthplace. Directly across from us is the Retire Becket House, built in 1655 and the other is the Hathaway House built in 1682…

 

 

# 204, Samantha’s Hot Bed Warmer, part 2

TEASER

Salem Street Outside Hawthorne Hotel:

  • Script: The CAMERA pans off of establishing sign and continues to pan the Salem Common. Overlays announce:

    1] Salem, Mass.
    2] Part Two of the “Salem Saga”.
    3] CAMERA zooms in on a police car parked in front of the hotel, overlaid with, “Samantha’s Hot Bedwarmer”.

  • Episode: The scene opens with a view of a police car in front of the Hawthorne Hotel. The “Old Timer”, Charlie Potter, is relaying to a group of tourists how the witches changed the street signs, and that now the police have gone up to arrest them for stealing a bedwarmer.

Hotel Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, there’s a warlock in there. My witchcraft doesn’t have any effect if it’s against his will.
    DARRIN: [sarcastically] And I wish what you’re saying didn’t have any effect on my hearing.
  • Episode: Darrin’s line is changed to, “You witch’s have the dumbest rules at the dumbest times”.

  • Script: Calls for Darrin to open the closet door and Samantha to put the bedwarmer in the closet.
  • Episode: Samantha opens the closet door and puts the bedwarmer inside.

  • Script: MISS FERNDALE: How you thought you could get away with it, I’ll never understand.
  • Episode:
    MISS FERNDALE: I’ll never understand how you thought you could get away with it.
    DARRIN: With what?


ACT I

Police Station:

  • Script: [The police sergeant is just dismissing Mr. Potter, the Old Timer]
    DESK SERGEANT: Okay Mr. Potter, We’ll put you in cell # 2 where you’ll have a nice clean bed and you can sleep it off.
    OLD TIMER: [motioning toward Samantha and Darrin] These are the ones I told you about - -they changed the Old Witch sign. The one that disappeared isn’t here.
    DESK SERGEANT: [patronizingly] Yeah, Mr. Potter - -yeah - -a couple of days off the sarsaparilla and you’ll feel fine. [The sergeant hands some keys to officer # 2 who is still holding the bedwarmer] You can lock the evidence in the closet. [As officer # 2 crosses to comply] Since Mr. Stephens’ has assumed full responsibility for this theft, you can go home Mrs. Stephens [to officer # 1] You can put Mr. Stephens in cell # 1.
    OFFICER # 1: They still haven’t fixed the leak in the roof in cell # 1.
    SAMANTHA: Now, just a minute. Isn’t it against the constitution to put someone in a leaky cell?
    DESK SERGEANT: Okay, put him in Cell # 2 with Mr. Potter.
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] See, you gotta stand up for your rights.
    DARRIN: [wryly] Gee, thanks. Sergeant, my wife isn’t the only one who knows something about the law. What about setting bail?
    DESK SERGEANT: Magistrate has to do that.
    DARRIN: Then I demand to see the Magistrate!
    OLD TIMER: Second the demand!
    DESK SERGEANT: You’ll see him. First thing tomorrow when court’s in session.
    OFFICER # 1: Let’s go. Mr. Potter. [he guides the Old Timer]
    OLD TIMER: I want to leave an eight o’clock call.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, don’t be upset. I’ll have you out of here in no time.
    DESK SERGEANT: Doubt that! You rob a bank in this town, you might have a chance to get off. But anyone touches anything in one of the old houses up here is in deep trouble. You’ll be lucky if you get off with six months.
    SAMANTHA: Six months?!! Darrin, that’s terrible.
    DARRIN: You’re telling me.
    SAMANTHA: It’s going to spoil our whole vacation. [whispering] Don’t worry, Sweetheart - - I’ll somehow straighten this out at the convention tonight.
    DARRIN: [not convinced] Sure.
  • Episode: The entire jail scene is deleted.

Witches Convocation:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: [calling out] All right, it’s time to get started. Let’s settle down ,shall we? [Nobody pays the slightest attention] [Endora a little louder] I said the meeting is about to commence [she still gets no response. She waves angrily and the peals of thunder and bursts of lighting cause a dead silence].
    SAMANTHA: Mother, I think you got their attention.
  • Episode: All but the first sentence of Endora’s opening line are cut.

  • Script: Endora tells Samantha she has 10 seconds to state her case. After a no response start, Samantha goes into a speeded up dialog describing her problem.
  • Episode: The speeded up part is cut.

Salem Jail:

  • Script:
    OFFICER # 2: What’s all the fuss?
    OLD TIMER: Wouldn’t believe me when I told you they was witches! Okay, explain how she got in here.
    OFFICER # 2: Who?
    OLD TIMER: [turning and pointing] Her! [he stares as he sees that Samantha is gone].
    OFFICER # 2: What’re you talking about, Charlie?
    OLD TIMER: There was a beautiful blonde lady standing right there.
    OFFICER # 2: [to Darrin] Well, that’s an improvement over snakes.
    OLD TIMER: What . . .what happened to her?
    OFFICER # 2: Charlie, go back to sleep.
  • Episode: After the Old Timer’s line [turning and pointing] Her!, the rest of the scene is cut except the last line where, “Charlie” is changed to, “Mr. Potter”.


ACT II

Witches Convocation:

  • Script: [In response to Endora’s call, Serena has popped in]
    SAMANTHA: Hello, Serena.
    SERENA: Hi, Sammy.
    SAMANTHA: [to Endora] No wonder the bedwarmer followed me. [to Serena] He must have thought I was you.
    SERENA: You’re not only responsible for this little trip, but you greet me with an insult.
    SAMANTHA: I’m sorry, Serena, but you know it’s an emergency.
    SERENA: Yes, but I was being entertained by the Maharajah of Ranipur. And if you know the Maharajah . . .[a flip of her eyebrows] . . . that can be pretty entertaining!
    SAMANTHA: Well, you can go back as soon as you restore the bedwarmer. [afterthought] Why did you do it in the first place?
    SERENA: You can’t believe what a drag that guy Newton was. As if we didn’t have enough trouble in those days, he kept bugging me to marry him! He wouldn’t leave me alone, so I put him in cold storage.
  • Episode: After Serena’s, “Hi’ Sammy”, the rest of the scene is cut.

A Street in Old Salem:

  • Script: [Serena POPS in. She enters the shot where a woman sits imprisoned in the stocks]
    SERENA: Widow Patterson, what has happened to thee?
    AMELIA: I am accused of being a witch.
    SERENA: That is ridiculous. Thou art not a witch!
    AMELIA: Aye, thou knowest that, and I know it, and we both know there are no such things as Witches. But the madness of the times is upon us and no one is safe.
    SERENA: Thou canst say that again. Hadn’t thou best get out of town?
    AMELIA: How?
    SERENA: Good question. I shall think on it.
    AMELIA: Thou art very kind, Serena. [the CAMERA follows Serena some distance from the pillory, she then waves.
  • Episode: From Widow Patterson’s first line on, the scene is cut. Serena opens the pillory at close range.

Serena’s Home:

  • Script: Several times in the scene in Serena’s house, Captain Harkness is referred to.
  • Episode: The name “Harkness” is changed to “Nichols”.

  • Script: The last line of the spell to change Newton into a bedwarmer is, “ Zip-zap, You’re now a bedwarmer”.
  • Episode: The “Zip-zap” is changed to “Zippity-zappity”.

Witches Convocation:

  • Script: SERENA: Sammy, would it be so terrible if Darrin spent a year or two in jail?
  • Episode: “Darrin” is changed to “Ding-dong”.

Salem Jail:

  • Script: [Samantha has gotten the bedwarmer out of the closet][she chants]

Rumblety, stumblety, knickery, knack
This is the spell that will bring you back
First a warlock then a bedwarmer
Zip-zap, now you’re the former.

  • Episode: “bring you back” is altered to “change you back”. “Zip-zap” is changed to “Zippity-zappity”.

Police Station:

  • Script: [Samantha and Newton come out of the closet. She locks the door. As she and Newton exit, she TWITCHES at the desk sergeant who begins to wake up. The phone rings]
    DESK SERGEANT: [into phone] Sergeant McCarty speaking . . .Oh, yes. Yes, your honor. Right away! [he hangs up crosses to the closet , unlocks it, opens the door and stares into the closet] Holy Mackerel!! We’ve been robbed!
  • Episode: This scene is cut.


TRAILER

Courtroom:

  • Script and Episode agree.

 

 

# 207, Samantha’s Bad Day in Salem

TEASER

Hotel Suite Bedroom:

  • Script: DARRIN: You know, you witches aren’t half bad.
  • Episode: DARRIN: You know, some of you witches aren’t half bad.

Witches Convocation:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: Oh, come on Waldo, grow up. I’m happily married with two beautiful children.[An o. s. voice calls Samantha. She excuses herself from Waldo and exits]. Well, excuse me, I see some friends.
  • Episode:
    SAMANTHA: Oh, come on Waldo, grow up. I’m happily married with two beautiful children.
    WALDO: But to a mortal - - -that doesn’t count. [no o. s. voice is heard]
    SAMANTHA: Silly! Well, excuse me, I’m needed.[she exits].

  • Script: [Waldo’s incantation to bring “Samantha” to him]:

Fly into my nest, my love
Though you may be second best, my love
Though you’re not flesh and bone
At least you’re mine and mine alone.

  • Episode: [Waldo’s incantation]:

Fly into my nest, my love
Though you may be second best, my love
Though you’re only make believe, my love
At least you’re mine to see, my love.

  • Script:
    MIRABELLE: She’s air, Waldo. You make her up in that sick brain of yours.
    WALDO: I’d rather live with the image of a lost love than live a life with someone I don’t care for.
    MIRABELLE: You call this living? Three hundred years pining over one skinny witch?
  • Episode: MIRABELLE: She’s air, Waldo. You make her up in that sick brain of yours. All these centuries pining over one skinny witch.


ACT I

Hotel Suite Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: If she’s the chairman, it should be the Ways to be Mean Committee. No kidding, Samantha. What goes on there at night?
    SAMANTHA: Well, mother gave a demonstration of Incantations, Past, Present, and Future. Dr. Borgia had a workshop on the use and abuse of love potions. There was a symposium on the generation gap in the witch world.
    DARRIN: I’m sorry I asked.
  • Episode: After Darrin’s first line, the rest of the above is cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [to Samantha] He means we can’t keep living in the past but he can keep bothering me in the present.
    LARRY: [conning] Isn’t it apparent how desperately your friend who has and would still go through fire and water for you needs you to personally handle the Blakely account. [Darrin crosses over and gets the material he was working on as]:
    DARRIN: The closest I can get to that is to personally hand you the roughs to my presentation. Take them back with my blessing.
  • Episode: Larry’s lines are cut. Darin’s last lines are changed to, “Here are the roughs on my presentation. Take them back with my blessings.

  • Script: [Samantha exits]: LARRY: How about it, kid?
  • Episode: LARRY: How about it friend? - -Aren’t you going to eat any of it after all the trouble I went to.

Statue of Nathaniel Hawthorne:

  • Script: [Darrin is focusing his camera on the statue. Larry is beside him].
    DARRIN: I’ve been learning a lot about early American history. It’s interesting that Nathaniel Hawthorne’s ancestors actually presided at the witchcraft trials.
    LARRY: Speaking of witchcraft . . .that’s what it’s going to take to save the Blakely account.
    DARRIN: Get over there. I’ll take your picture with Roger Conant. He led one of the first bands to settle Salem in 1626. That old boy goes back a long way.
    LARRY: Have you ever given any thought to how far back our friendship goes? Tell you what: ONE day!
  • Episode: This scene is cut.

Compound Next To The House Of The Seven Gables:

  • Script:
    “SAMANTHA”: Don’t think I haven’t paid in loneliness . . .
    REVIEWER’S NOTE: The script cues for Waldo’s created “Samantha” are always given in quotation marks. The delivery of the lines is very robotic.
    WALDO: More.
    “SAMANTHA”: . . .and longing.
  • Episode: These lines are cut.

  • Script:
    “SAMANTHA”: But can a bird stop singing. Can a star stop twinkling?
    WALDO: Ah, I see you’ve developed a talent for saying things poetically.
    “SAMANTHA”: [looking into his eyes] I’ve had a good teacher.
  • Episode: The “can a bird stop singing and a star stop twinkling” statements are reversed. The other lines are cut.

Arbor Setting:

  • Script: [“Samantha” and Waldo are on a bench. Mirabelle materializes in front of them].
    MIRABELLE: You’re at it again, huh. My son the warlock and little Miss Nothing.
    WALDO: She’ll do until the real thing comes along.
    MIRABELLE: The real thing is along. She’s at the meetings every night.
    WALDO: I’m aware of that.
    MIRABELLE: You’re a warlock for Satan’s sake. Break up the marriage, turn her husband into a tomato plant or something, and take off with her.
    WALDO: Nag, nag, nag. [He snaps his fingers and Mirabelle vanishes] Oh. What shall we do, Samantha?
    “SAMANTHA”: What can we do?
    WALDO: Perhaps if I met your husband and learned to hate him, I could force myself to get rid of him. [smiles] Yes. Of course. That’s it.
  • Episode: All except Waldo’s line about meeting and learning to hate Darrin are cut.

Hotel Dining Room:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: [pointedly] We’re just about to order lunch, Waldo.
  • Episode: SAMANTHA: Waldo, if you don’t mind, we’re just about to order lunch.

Larry’s Hotel Room:

  • Script:
    LARRY:. . . . So forget the whole thing and go down and enjoy lunch.
    DARRIN: What were they doing?
    LARRY: Just having a chat.
    DARRIN: Then what are you so nervous about?
    LARRY: I’m only nervous because I knew that when you found out you’d be nervous.
  • Episode: The above is cut.


ACT II

Hotel Dining Room:

  • Script: [Samantha and Waldo are seated in a booth].
    SAMANTHA: And remember, Waldo, none of your tricks.
  • Episode: [Samantha and Waldo are seated at the same table as the earlier dining room scenes. Before Samantha’s line the following is added]:
    WALDO: Ready for lunch?
    SAMANTHA: Really, Waldo, I can’t have lunch with you. I really should go upstairs.

  • Script:
    WALDO: [to “Samantha”] Then why did you leave me so abruptly?
    “SAMANTHA”: Because the closeness of you frightens me. But I am no longer afraid. [Darrin enters, stops as he hears]:
    WALDO’S VOICE: Tell me more my sweet.
    “SAMANTHA’S” VOICE: Not here, my darling.
  • Episode: After Waldo’s first line, the above is cut.

  • Script: [The waiter over-reacts when Darrin becomes a crow. He downs every drink on the tray he was preparing].
    WALDO: I’m sorry Samantha. But I do detest violence.
    “SAMANTHA”: You had to protect yourself.
  • Episode: The waiter is not shown to drink anything. The lines are cut.

Hotel Bedroom:

  • Script: [The crow is packing a suitcase]:
    SAMANTHA: . . .I had nothing to do with it. [The crow caws angrily at her]. I said I was sorry. Please give me a chance to help you. [The crow continues packing]. Now what’s the point of packing? You’d never get the suitcase off the ground. . . Okay, go ahead and be stubborn . . .I won’t try to reason with you when you’re in this mood.
  • Episode: This bit is cut.

Hotel Bedroom – Later:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Don’t you think I deserve an explanation?
    DARRIN: I think you should be doing the explaining.
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, I haven’t the vaguest . . .
    DARRIN: [interrupting] Sweetheart? Can you call me sweetheart with a straight face?
    SAMANTHA: I love you.
    DARRIN: You can say I love you with a straight face?
    SAMANTHA: Sorry. Just you talk.
    DARRIN: This afternoon Larry saw you and “Waldo the Warlock” at the House of the Seven Gables.
    SAMANTHA: Waldo and me? That’s impossible!
    DARRIN: [stops for a moment] Come on Sam, you were there in the bar when he zapped me into a bird.
    SAMANTHA: [bewildered] This is crazy.
    DARRIN: I can’t argue with that.
    SAMANTHA: [thoughtfully] Would you believe Serena?
    DARRIN: [pauses] I’d like to.
    SAMANTHA: [shakes her head] Forget it. She hates Waldo.
  • Episode: Except for Darrin’s line about Larry seeing Samantha and Waldo, and Samantha’s reply, the entire scene is cut.

  • Script: [Waldo has made his “Samantha” appear].
    WALDO: Real to nobody but myself. It’s a foolish fantasy, I know, but I assure you a harmless one.
    “SAMANTHA” [pointing at Darrin] Who’s that?
  • Episode: “Samantha” has the lines added, “Oh, Waldo. It has been almost an hour since I’ve seen you. I’ve been so lonesome and sad. Oh. I love you, Waldo. I love you with all my heart and mind.”

  • Script: [Larry enters the living room but can see Waldo and “Samantha” through the bedroom door].
    LARRY: I’m sorry Samantha, but this is something I’ve got to do.
  • Episode: [When Larry enters he hears the following]:
    “SAMANTHA”: Oh, Waldo. I love you more than life itself.


TRAILER

Hotel Suite – Bedroom:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: We have a choice. We could tell him I was having a mad impetuous fling or we could tell him I’m a witch. {Darrin reacts, Samantha smiles] or we could tell him it was Serena he saw.
  • Episode: [Added lines]:
    SAMANTHA: We have a choice. We could tell him I was having a mad fling - -
    DARRIN: Sure!
    SAMANTHA: Or we could tell him I’m a witch.
    DARRIN: Now that’d be terrific.
    SAMANTHA: Or we could tell him it was Serena he saw.

  • Script: [Waldo turns Larry into a human again. Larry is on his back]:
    DARRIN: You led with a right cross . . .
    SAMANTHA: . . . .and Waldo came back with a karate chop.
  • Episode: [Larry wakes up sitting in a chair]
    DARRIN You led with a right cross . . .
    SAMANTHA: Waldo came back with a karate chop. He’s a very dangerous person.

  • Script:
    WALDO: May I present my friend Serena.
    “SERENA”: Hi, sugar puss.
  • Episode:
    “SERENA”: Hi, cotton top.
    LARRY: Serena, your hair.
    “SERENA”: Someone said blonds had more fun. I thought I’d find out.

  • Script: [Larry turns to Serena]: Serena, I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you and . . .
  • Episode:
    LARRY: [added lines] Where have you two girls been? To a costume ball or something?
    SAMANTHA: That’s right. [Larry tries to embrace Serena, but she is just air. He stumbles back to the couch, holding his head in his hands].

  • Script: LARRY: . . .I’m not feeling well. Could somebody give me a cup of caw . . .caw. . . cawfee?
  • Episode: [After trying to embrace Serena, Larry stumbles back to his chair]:
    LARRY: I’m not feeling well. Could somebody give me a drink?
    SAMANTHA: How about some Old Crow?

 

 

# 208, Samantha’s Old Salem Trip

Reviewer’s Note: The original title of this script was, “Carry Me Back To Old Salem”.

TEASER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] I’m sorry about running into that flock of geese. I just didn’t see them.
    DARRIN: It wouldn’t hurt if you looked where you were flying.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, it was your idea to travel witches style. I would have gladly waited for the plane.
    DARRIN: You can’t blame me. The gall of that crack-pot witches coven. Ordering you not to be seen in public with me.
  • Episode: [The above lines are changed to:]
    SAMANTHA: I’m sorry about running into that flock of geese. I just didn’t see them.
    DARRIN: In the first place, it wouldn’t hurt if you looked where you were flying. And in the second place, we shouldn’t have been flying in the first place.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, when you said you wanted to go home right now, I believed you.
    DARRIN: I didn’t mean I wanted to fly the proud witch with the golden nose. The nerve of that crack-pot witches council. Ordering you not to be seen with me in public. NOTE: The script refers to the witches “coven”. The episode consistently changes “coven” to “Council”.

Old Salem:

  • Script:
    MRS. FAIRLEY: Who art thou and why dost thee wander the streets in thine [a] underwear?
    SAMANTHA: I . . .don’t seem to remember that, either.
    MRS. FAIRLEY: Poor child! [b] Like as not thou hast been bewitched!
  • Episode: [a] is changed to “undergarments”. Line [b] is cut.


Stephens’ ACT I

Living Room:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: . . .Don’t you fret, Esmeralda. It’s his fault.
    DARRIN: [unbelieving] My fault? [a]
    ENDORA: For getting all shook up merely because the council insisted that you not be seen in public with Samantha during the convention. A perfectly rational demand.
    DARRIN: What you consider rational . . . .
    ENDORA: [interrupting] However, there’s no longer a problem. The council ordered Samantha to return to Salem and she did.
    DARRIN: [mad] And just what are you going to do about it?
  • Episode: After [a], the lines are cut from the episode.

  • Script: ENDORA: You have the retentive powers of an ape.
  • Episode: ENDORA: You have the retentive powers of a Do-do Bird.

Old Salem Inn:

  • Script:
    MRS: Fairley: [to Mr. Fairley] I have been thinking, perhaps we can employ this unfortunate girl as barmaid. [a]
    MR. FAIRLEY: [to Samantha] Hast thou ever served drinks? [Samantha pauses, searching her memory, then . . .
    SAMANTHA: Oh, yes, often. And I have served food also. To many people.
    MR. FAIRLEY: Ah, then thou hast labored at a tavern.
    SAMANTHA: No, I think it was in my home.
    MRS. FAIRLEY: Alas, she hath no memory of her past. She knows not even her name.
  • Episode: After [a], the rest is cut.

  • Script: As Darrin enters the tavern he sees a customer making a pass at Samantha.
  • Episode: The customer who gooses Samantha is the ever-present extra, Gerald York.

  • Script: [Darrin has been taken out to be put in the stocks:]
    SAMANTHA: [to Magistrate] I do not want him to suffer because of me.
    MAGISTRATE: That fellow needs to learn the value of morality.
    SAMANTHA: He must also learn the value of money. Imagine trying to give me a worthless coin. [Samantha looks at the coin thoughtfully as if trying to jar her memory.]
  • Episode: These lines are cut.


ACT II

Old Salem Street:

  • Script: [Samantha empties a pail of water on Darrin’s head:]
    SAMANTHA: [suppressing a laugh] Have thou had enough?
    DARRIN: [steaming] When we get back home - -if we get back home - -thou and me are going to have a little talk. And guess who’s going to be doing the listening!
  • Episode: Darrin’s lines are cut.

  • Script: [Standing in the stocks, Darrin sees Samantha being led toward him. As they approach him:]
    DARRIN: What is it? What happened?
    SAMANTHA: I am accused of witchcraft. All because of thee and thy ball point quill.
    DARRIN: [to Magistrate] You’ve got to be kidding! Where I come from, everybody has a pen like that.
    MAGISTRATE: [to one of the men] Release him.
    DARRIN: [confidently] You see? Once you apply simple logic, prejudice goes out the window. The reason you people are having all this trouble is because you insist on jumping to conclusions. I really worked up an appetite standing there all night. Where can I get something to eat?
    MAGISTRATE: In jail! [two of the men grab Darrin]
    DARRIN: Wait a minute! What do you think you’re doing?
    MAGISTRATE: It should be obvious. [holds up pen] The quill is thine. I charge thee also with witchcraft.
    DARRIN: [struggling] But I explained that to you! You can’t do this! I am not now, nor have I ever been a witch! [to Samantha] How can I make you understand?
    SAMANTHA: [sardonically] Try using some of that simple logic.
  • Episode: This scene is cut.

Old Salem Jail:

  • Script: [Darrin and Mr. Fairley, who has also been accused of witchcraft, share a jail cell. Samantha is in the next cell:]
    SAMANTHA: You must eat something, Master Fairley.
    MR. FAIRLEY: I am too sick of heart to eat.
    DARRIN: This bread would make anybody sick of heart.
  • Episode: Master Fairley is not accused of witchcraft and is not in jail with Darrin and Samantha. His lines, and all references to him being in jail are deleted from the episode. Darrin’s line is changed to, “How can you eat this stuff?”

  • Script:
    DARRIN: It’s a magic coin.
    SAMANTHA: Then thou art a witch!
    MR. FAIRLEY: Do not heed him. [a] It is the Devil’s coin.
    DARRIN: That’s no way to talk about my mother-in-law.
  • Episode: The first part of Mr. Fairley’s line is cut and [a] is added to Samantha’s line. Darrin’s line is changed to, “That’s no way to talk about your mother.”

Witch House:

  • Script: The Magistrate is robed and wigged. Samantha, Darrin, and Mr. Fairley stand before him.
  • Episode: The Magistrate does not wear a wig. Mr. Fairley is present only in the audience.

  • Script: Luther has lines about Samantha saying everyone is entitled to a fair trial, with Samantha’s replies.
  • Episode: This scene is used as written, but moved to a later time, after the witness speaks about the pen having an unholy glow about it.

  • Script: LUTHER: . . .and this stranger who bringeth this odd quill - -who be he, who speaketh in a manner that rings strangely in thine ear. . . .why doeth he speak thus . . .and act and look different from us … t’wer it not witchery within him?
  • Episode: This scene is cut.

  • Script: Samantha bows two times and on the third bow says the magic words.
  • Episode: Samantha says one word with each bow, with the last word being after the last bow.

  • Script:
    MAGISTRATE: And what is the basis for this absurd contention?
    SAMANTHA: Simple logic, which as your honor knows, is also the basis of the law . . .now, do you believe that witches have powers far beyond those of ordinary mortals?
  • Episode: The lines by Samantha are cut.

  • Script: Samantha starts a sizeable fire on the floor in front of her.
  • Episode: Samantha starts the fire in a waste container.

  • Script:
    MAGISTRATE: . . . This trial is declared a mistrial.
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] How did I do?
    DARRIN: If I knew where to locate an Oscar, I’d give it to you.
    SAMANTHA: Who needs an Oscar when I’ve got a Darrin? [She kisses him and takes his hand]
  • Episode: After the Magistrate’s line, the rest is cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: The episode ends with Esmeralda doing a Spanish dance step.
  • Episode: Added is the line by Samantha, “That’s interesting!”

 

 

# 209, Samantha’s Pet Warlock

TEASER

Stephens’ Patio:

  • Script: ASHLEY: I swooped in on gossamer wings to rescue my lovely bird from this domestic cage. [a] Samantha, why don’t you let me take you away from this grubby existence?
  • Episode: Inserted at [a]:
    SAMANTHA: I don’t need any rescuing.
    ASHLEY: But, you do!
    ENDORA: You’re right – I’ll leave you two young people alone.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, don’t go anywhere.
    ENDORA: Ta-ta. [Endora POPS out]
    SAMANTHA: Mother!

  • Script: [Samantha takes her glove and exits into the house. Endora POPS in]
    ENDORA: Greetings. How’s the eternal triangle going?
    ASHLEY: Samantha’s a very strong-willed girl. She has to be to resist my charm.
    ENDORA: No one says no to you. It’s all an act. She’s just playing hard to get. [she gives him a little push] Now, go ahead.
    ASHLEY: Are you sure?
    ENDORA: Positive. [She POPS out. Ashley moves toward the house]
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut.


ACT I

Larry’s Office:

  • Script:
    GIBBONS: Tate, I’m just guessing, but I’d say you have a dog with a lot of nervous energy . . .probably a large poodle.
    LARRY: That’s amazing. [a]
    GIBBONS: [pleased] You have a poodle?
    LARRY: No, but I’ve always wanted a poodle.
    GIBBONS: Oh? What kind of a dog do you have?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    GIBBONS: Stephens, I would guessed you had that kind of dog.
    DARRIN: [not knowing if he’s been insulted or not] You would? [a]
    GIBBONS: Yep. All the really creative men I’ve ever known had mutts. They wouldn’t have any part of a pedigreed dog.
    LARRY: No kidding? Well, they don’t come any muttier than Darrin’s dog . . .right, Darrin?
    DARRIN: [chuckling nervously] You’d know better than I would Larry.
  • Episode: All lines after [a] are cut.

City Dog Pound:

  • Script: [Darrin and Larry arrive at the dog pound to look for a dog. The attendant doesn’t buy their description]:
    ATTENDANT: . . .and long hair in the back?
    DARRIN: That’s right. Also, there’s a white spot around one eye . . . .and a black spot around the other.
    ATTENDANT: [suspiciously] This gets better all the time.
    LARRY: And one other thing [he pulls chin] . . .it’s got a little goatee.
    ATTENDANT: [pulling his own chin] A little goatee? You’re sure it’s not a full beard? [yelling back to the dogs] All right back there, knock off the barking!
  • Episode: The entire above conversation is cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: [aside to Darrin] Darrin, it’s perfect!
    DARRIN: You’re right. That’s the ugliest dog I have ever seen. [the dog snarls] . . .but cute [low to Larry] It acts like it understood me.
    ATTENDANT: I don’t know how I could have missed a dog like that.
  • Episode: The above bit is cut.

Stephens’ Patio:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: I know you’re in there, Ashley. Under all that funny looking dog is a rotten warlock. [The dog begins “talking” to Samantha in growls and barks]
    [Samantha, understanding] What? . . .so, I was right. [The dog gives two yips] Good. At least you’re man enough . . I mean, dog enough, to admit it. Now, didn’t you promise me you’d go away and stop bugging me?
  • Episode: Samantha’s lines are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: That dog is an old friend? [a]
    SAMANTHA: Well, not exactly. Inside of that dog is an old friend.
    DARRIN: What do you mean “inside that dog is an old . . .[take] inside that dog is an old friend? [b]
    SAMANTHA: [brightly] Now you’re beginning to get it.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Samantha’s last line is changed to “That’s right”.


ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: [Samantha is lecturing Ashley]
    SAMANTHA: I’m sorry Ashley! It was your idea to be a dog . . .so you’ll just have to relax and enjoy it until . . .[the dog barks] No you can’t go out and play . . .You’ll just have to sit here like a nice little puppy and wait for Darrin. He’s counting on you.
  • Episode: These lines are cut.

  • Script: Gladys comes over to snoop, using the excuse she wants to borrow some sugar.
  • Episode: She asks to borrow some paprika.

  • Script:
    GLADYS: I see you have a new doggy. He sure is interesting looking.
    SAMANTHA: Interesting? [a]
    GLADYS: Well . .. .uh . . .that may not be the word. He’s. . .uh. . .strange . . .well, I wouldn’t say strange [b] [stares at the dog] Mrs. Stephens, I hope you don’t mind . . .that dog is ugly. [The dog growls at Gladys. She backs up, afraid] [c]
    SAMANTHA: Ashley is a very sensitive dog, Mrs. Kravitz. He doesn’t like to be told he’s ugly.
    GLADYS: I didn’t mean any offense. It’s just that I prefer a dog that looks like a dog. [d]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b], and between [c] and [d] are cut.

Kravitz’s Living Room:

  • Script:
    GLADYS: [pointing] No! They were all that dog!
    ABNER: [to Samantha] She’ll be okay in a minute. [giving Gladys a tablespoon full] Take it all Gladys. [screwing on cap] I’m going to have to start buying this stuff by the six pack. REVIEWER’S NOTE: In the first two seasons Gladys [Alice Pearce] was frequently shown taking her medicine. In the last six seasons I do not remember Gladys [Sandra Gould] ever being shown taking her medicine.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Goodbye Ashley. It’s been frantic.
    ASHLEY: You can’t blame a warlock for trying. [then . . .to Darrin] . . and, Durwood, anybody who goes through what you do, day after day, can’t be all bad.
    ENDORA: This is getting sickening. Let’s go Ashley.
  • Episode: The lines by Ashley and Endora are cut.

 

 

# 210, Samantha’s Old Man

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: Isn’t the expression “broken out?”
    DARRIN: [a] Endora, not even your presence is going to spoil this day for me. [back to Samantha] [b] I finally broke eighty!
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, that’s wonderful.
    ENDORA: Eighty what?
    SAMANTHA: [dismissing it] Nothing, mother.
    ENDORA: Oh. [c] Endora waves her arms and we hear the sound of a cannon exploding.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, now cut that out!
    ENDORA: I’m giving him a twenty-one gun salute. [d]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and [c] and [d] are cut.

Stephens’ Hallway:

  • Script: [Endora’s spell to turn Darrin into an old man:]

Odds plus odds adds up to even.
A curse be on one, Durwood Stephens.
Turn the future into present,
And zing it to the Dumb Dumb peasant.

  • Episode: [The spell is changed to:]

Odds plus odds adds up to evens.
Let the curse be on Durwood Stephens.
Make the future be the present,
And zing it to the Dumb Dumb peasant.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: [Samantha has pulled a breadboard out and is leaning down getting something out of a lower cabinet. Darrin’s voice is heard o.s.]
    DARRIN: Samantha! [Samantha rises, bumps her head on the board and rushes out of the kitchen.]
  • Episode: There is no breadboard, so no head bump. Samantha has an arm load of groceries. When Darrin calls, she drops the groceries in surprise, and rushes out of the kitchen.

Stephens’ Entry:

  • Script: [Samantha enters and stares at Darrin turned old.]
    DARRIN: Well, say something.
    SAMANTHA: Oh, mother!
    DARRIN: Is that all you can say?
    SAMANTHA: [a] What can I say . . .except . . .[b] you look quite handsome for your age.
  • Episode: [Samantha enters, sees Darrin and emits a gurgling scream.] The line between [a] and [b] is cut.


ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: My feelings for your mother go beyond anger. I mean anybody who could do this thing is sick and a sick witch should be pitied [a] [soberly to Samantha] Why did she do it?
    SAMANTHA: Well, she was trying to prove something.
    DARRIN: You mean there was a reason for this insanity?
    SAMANTHA: I’m sure she thought so. I said I’d love you forever - - -and this is her way of saying - - -wanna’ bet?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: . . . .But didn’t we have a date to play bridge with the Tate’s?
    SAMANTHA: I’ll get us out of it. [a] [she picks up the phone and dials]
    DARRIN: What are you going to say?
    SAMANTHA: I’ll say you’re not yourself tonight . . .
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Drive-In Movie:

  • Script: [The screen is showing a cartoon feature. There are three cars in the back row, with Darrin’s car in the middle. Typical cartoon music comes from the speaker. Darrin looks in the car mirror. Samantha turns it away.]
    SAMANTHA: Darrin.
    DARRIN: Sorry. [She snuggles up close to him and places his arm around her shoulder.] [a] I feel funny necking in a drive in . . .I’m old enough to be your . . .
    SAMANTHA: Husband. [b][Two teenagers react to what they see and the boy makes a peace sign.]
  • Episode: The action on the screen is not shown. The sounds are of gunfire. The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added is Samantha kissing Darrin, after which the teenager makes the peace sign, and Samantha returns the sign.

Drive-In Refreshment Stand:

  • Script:
    LARRY: . . . .She leaves and goes to a drive-in with somebody who just dropped in from out of town. [a]
    LOUISE: Larry, you could use a brain washing.
    LARRY: You’re right. Sam is a sweet faithful, loving wife who would never do anything to hurt Darrin.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: . . . .That boy doesn’t get anything right. It was my wife.
    LOUISE: Oh, I’m sorry. [a] Where are you from sir?
    SAMANTHA and DARRIN: Montana. Minnesota.
    SAMANTHA: He was born in Minnesota but he grew up in Montana.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script: LARRY: . . . .You can drop Millicent at our house later. It’s on your way home. [a] Larry helps Millicent into the back seat of the car.
  • Episode: At [a], Darrin gets out of the car and holds the seat forward so Millicent can get in the back seat. Millicent, however, crowds into the front seat so she is in the middle.

Tate’s Living Room:

  • Script:
    MILLICENT: . . . So I understand you’re from Montana, Grover. What City? [Darrin starts to panic]
    SAMANTHA: Butte.
    MILLICENT: Butte, well isn’t that a mind blower? [a] I have a cousin in Butte. Ted Parkinson?
    DARRIN: Don’t know him.
    MILLICENT: He’s the mayor.
    DARRIN: . . .Personally, that is.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Samantha, I really think we should make a break for it. [a]
    LARRY: Aw, come on. The evening’s young and you kids are just getting to know each other.
    MILLICENT: I understand you’re a widower, Grover?
    DARRIN: Yes. Caroline left me two years ago April.
    MILLICENT: Isn’t that a coincidence. That’s when my John went to his reward.
    SANANTHA: [to the rescue] Okay, Grandpa, up we go.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room intercut with the Tate Living Room:

  • Script: [The phone rings. Samantha picks it up]
    SAMANTHA: Hello.
    LARRY: [on phone with Samantha] Sam? Larry.
    SAMANTHA: [whispers to Darrin] Larry. [Darrin puts his ear to the receiver]
    LARRY: I couldn’t wait for you to get home so I could tell you what a big impression Grover made on Aunt Millicent.
    DARRIN: [whispers] I’m all goose bumpy.
    LARRY: Does he like her?
    SAMANTHA: Well, he didn’t say very much.
    LARRY: He’s speechless, huh? Great. Okay. Now let me talk to Darrin. [Darrin shakes no].
    SAMANTHA: He can’t come to the phone right now.
    LARRY: I wanted to remind him about the luncheon meeting tomorrow with Jennings Booker. I hope he’ll feel up to it because I have a board meeting in the morning and won’t be able to make it.
    SAMANTHA: I’m sure he’ll be okay by then.
    DARRIN: If I don’t kill myself.
    LARRY: Well, tell him to get a good night’s sleep. Bye. [Samantha hangs up the phone]
    DARRIN: This is terrible. Suppose your mother doesn’t turn me back by noon tomorrow?
    SAMANTHA: We could tell Larry you took a turn for the worse. Couldn’t he handle the meeting?
    DARRIN: [grudgingly] I guess so.
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut.


ACT II

Restaurant:

  • Script: The script describes Jennings Booker as a handsome, tanned athletic type in his early thirties sitting in a booth.
  • Episode: Jennings Booker is an average looking executive in his fifties seated at a table.

  • Script:
    LARRY: I don’t follow you at all, Mr. Booker. [a]
    BOOKER: Beau Geste is a product for the young and it needs a young man’s thinking.
    LARRY: That part I follow. And let me tell you that young Mr. Stephens . . . .
    BOOKER: Now cut that out, Mr. Tate. Your Mr. Stephens is too old for the job and you know it.
    LARRY: Thirty-seven is too old?
    BOOKER: Say that again.
    LARRY: Thirty-seven.
    BOOKER: Thirty-seven plus thirty-seven adds up to seventy… something… that’s how old he looks to me.
    LARRY: Oh, well, he’s been sick.
    BOOKER: Nonsense, he’s a very healthy looking seventy.
  • Episode: After [a] the rest of the scene is cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: . . .but it isn’t really nice of you to pass yourself off as Darrin. [a]
    DARRIN: Why should I want to pass myself off as that young punk?
    BOOKER: My dear man, you certainly gave the impression that you were employed by Mr. Tate.
    DARRIN: Well I am, in a way.
    LARRY: [loudly] In what way?
    DARRIN: Lower your voice young fella. You’re not in a waterfront saloon. [b] Now what’s everybody getting so het up about? Darrin got up this morning with an infected throat that could destroy the city. What could the kid do?
    LARRY: He could have called the office.
    DARRIN: Whatever for, when I was available? [c]
    LARRY: Look, old timer, this is the advertising business and it’s not in the same league as checkers.
    DARRIN: Don’t talk down to me, Sonny. I got more advertising know how in my little finger than you have in all that flab.[d]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and between [c] and [d] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    LOUISE: . . .as long as they can be together.[a]
    SAMANTHA: But Grover likes to watch the wrestling matches.
    LARRY: Good, then that’s settled.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    OLD SAMANTHA [as CAROLINE]: What’s the matter Grover? Cat got your tongue?
    DARRIN: Uh, hello there. [a]
    MILLICENT: Who is this woman, Grover?
    OLD SAMANTHA: [as she gives Millicent the once over] That’s just the question I was going to ask. And don’t tell me she’s the Avon lady. You used that the last time.
    MILLICENT: Grover, who is this woman?
    DARRIN: Uh . . .
  • Episode: All lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    OLD SAMANTHA: You can’t say it often enough - -He needs reminding. [a]
    LOUISE: You said you were a widower.
    OLD SAMANTHA: He wishes he were.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: . . .and this young chick will look like a matched set. [a]
    DARRIN: That’s what I mean - - -you’ll look old on the outside, but you’ll be young on the inside.
    SAMANTHA: Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. [b] [She gestures and turns into a projection of herself thirty years from now. She’s a chic, gray haired sixty] How’s that?
    DARRIN: [smiles] I can’t tell. Pucker up. [c]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added at this point are Samantha’s lines, “How about a little preview? [ages] How’s that?” After [c] Darrin and Samantha kiss. Darrin has the line added, “You’re an oldie but a goodie.”

 

 

# 211, The Corsican Cousins

REVIEWER’S NOTE: There are two versions of the script available for this review. The first is Noted as the “Final Draft”, and dated 6/19/70. The second is called the “Revised Final Draft” and dated 8/29/70. The second version will be used for the review. While both versions feature Darrin being invited to join a country club and the “Corsican Cousin” spell that Endora puts on Samantha and Serena to discourage Samantha from joining the club, there are several major differences between the two scripts. At the times that the scripts diverge, a note will be put in explaining the action in the first version.

TEASER

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

  • Script: Darrin enters. He and Larry have just played a round of golf with Mr. Nichols, a prospective client, who has asked Darrin to join his country club.
  • Episode: The prospective client’s name is Langley. We are later told that it is J. J. Langley.
    Reviewer’s Note: In the original script Darrin enters and asks Samantha if she would like to take up golf again, which is his way of telling her that he wants to join the club. In this case, it is the club that Larry belongs to, and Mr. Nichols was only Larry’s guest.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: I’ve been meaning to ask, how come Mr. Nichols is president of Bigelow Industries?
    DARRIN: The rumor is that Bigelow did something to offend Mr. Nichols and the next thing he knew he was out. Happens all the time.
  • Episode: Darrin’s lines are changed to “The rumor is that Mr. Langley quietly garnered the majority of the stock and the next thing Bigelow knew he was out”.

  • Script: The script says that Darrin will play a round of golf with three of the members, and Samantha will entertain three of the ladies.
  • Episode: The number of players and ladies is cut to two.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: [interrupting] It isn’t easy, but I’ll try, Samantha, my dearest .[a] You can’t be serious about joining that country club.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, eavesdropping is beneath you!
    ENDORA: I was not eavesdropping. Your conversation just happened to be in my landing pattern. [worried shake of her head]. [b] Can’t you see what that feeble excuse for a husband is doing to you? He’s turned you into a live in maid, an unpaid cook and baby-sitter, and now he’s forcing you to submit to the environment of a country club which is basically a meeting place for organized mortal snobs. [c]
    SAMANTHA: Mother, you’re over reacting.
    ENDORA: [dramatically] Oh, my dearest, where is that free spirit I once knew . . . .so full of pride and fire? Can’t you see you’re letting yourself become earth-bound? Soon I won’t be able to spot you in a crowd. [d]
    SAMANTHA: [smiles as she rises] Mother, I’d love to sit here and bicker, but I’ve got a wash to get going, beds to change, and the breakfast dishes still aren’t done. [e]
    ENDORA: [rising] Wait! [she waves and a horse collar appears around Samantha’s neck.]
    SAMANTHA: I know I’ll be sorry I asked, but why?
    ENDORA: You work like a horse, you might as well look like one.
    SAMANTHA: I was right. [Endora waves and the horse collar disappears.]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut, as are the lines between [c] and [d]. The lines between [d] and [e] are changed to “Mother, I’d love to sit here and bicker, but I have to get lunch”. The lines after [e] are also cut.

  • Script: ENDORA: [spell to make Samantha and Serena like the “Corsican Brothers”]

The Corsican Brothers were hexed by a spell,
That’ll work on cousins just as well.
From this point on, with no further ado,
What Serena feels, Samantha will too.

  • Episode: The second line is changed to “Which will work on cousins just as well”.


ACT I

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: [This scene immediately follows Serena’s Limbo line “I’m not that ticklish”.]
    LARRY: As a matter of fact, the only reason the club has an opening is that Ralph Dunhill and his wife split up after twenty years of marriage. Poor guy - - -he’s taking it very hard.
    SAMANTHA: That’s terrible. [She suddenly starts to giggle, trying in vain to stifle her giggles and to her reaction to the tickling]
    LARRY: Personally, I think he’s on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
    SAMANTHA: Oh, how awful. [she begins gigging again]
    DARRIN: [to Samantha] What’s so funny about that?
    SAMANTHA: [giggling] Nothing. I can’t tell you how awful I feel about it.
  • Episode: The above scene is entirely cut.

Limbo:

  • Script: [Serena and Clark are still seated at the table, and consulting menus]
    SERENA: Hmmm, rock cornish hen with wild rice. Doesn’t that sound out of sight?
  • Episode: This scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: It does look good . . .but why do I have this sudden craving for rock cornish hen with wild rice?
  • Episode: Rock cornish hen with wild rice is replaced with “Ring tailed pheasant”. This substitution takes place throughout the following scenes.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Don’t you think you ought to get in touch with Dr. Bombay and let him check you out . . .I’m not too fond of him but under the circumstances, I’m willing to overlook my hatred.
    SAMANTHA: [getting desperate] Darrin, let’s not stand around. I’ve got to get my rock cornish hen.
    DARRIN: [following] In your condition, I’m not letting you go alone - -I’ll drive you.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.

Supermarket:

  • Script: [Serena has begun to dance to rock music. So does Samantha.]
    DARRIN: [a] Sam, what are you doing?
    SAMANTHA: I think I’m dancing . [b]
    DARRIN: Will you stop that before they throw us out?
    SAMANTHA: I can’t! Whatever it is that’s wrong with me, it doesn’t have any rhyme or reason . . .just rhythm’.
    DARRIN: Sam!
    SAMANTHA: Just a little tension breaker.
    DARRIN: I tried to call Larry and have him cancel Mrs. Nichols but the line was busy.
  • Episode: Before [a] is added the line, “I tried to call Larry, but his line is busy”. All lines after [b] are cut.

  • Original Script: When Samantha starts to dance, a nearby hippie grabs two oatmeal boxes, and using them as drums, sets a beat for Samantha to dance to. The supermarket manager arrives, saying he doesn’t set the prices, so why is Samantha protesting. Darrin takes the cart and exits. Samantha , at home, chides him for leaving her. Darrin replies someone had to be free to bail her out of jail.

Stephens’ House:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: To take us by surprise. It’s an old female trick used by old females. [a]
    DARRIN: We’ve got to get rid of them. I’ll tell you what - - you faint - -I’ll catch you - -explain you’ve got a little flu bug and . . .
    SAMANTHA: [interrupting] It’ll never work. Larry will think we were stalling - -[b] they’re here now so let’s just make the best of it.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script: Mrs. Nichol’s co-chairman is Mrs. Raphael.
  • Episode: Mrs. Langley’s co-chairman is Mrs. Hunter.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: [As the visitors are seated in the Living Room, Darrin and Samantha enter the Kitchen.]
    DARRIN: Sam, here’s what we’ll do. I’ll drop a pan and then I’ll carry into the living room and up the stairs . . .I’ll say you’re just getting over a bad case of flu. . . .
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, don’t panic.
    DARRIN: You have to admit a bad case of flu is a lot better than a bad case of whatever you’ve got.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.

Limbo:

  • Original Script: Clark’s wife has shown up. He tries to hide under the table, pretending to look for a lost cuff link. His wife sees him and drags him off with a comment to Serena that he doesn’t own a shirt with French cuffs.

  • Script: [Clark’s wife has dragged him off and Endora has joined Serena.]
    SERENA: The beast didn’t tell me he was married.
    ENDORA: Since when does that bother you?
    SERENA: Fooling around with a married man really turns me on. [pouting] He didn’t tell me so I missed all that extra fun. I hate men! All men!
    ENDORA: Well, at least that’s a change of pace for you.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Spell or no spell - - you’re bugging me. [a]
    DARRIN: Sam, you’ve never talked to me this way before..
    SAMANTHA: Maybe it’s about time I did.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Original Script: Larry arrives with three ladies.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: We haven’t started yet and you’re not helping.
    LARRY: [startled] I beg your pardon? [a]
    SAMANTHA: Larry, if you came here to keep Darrin company, why don’t you go do it?
    DARRIN: [to Larry] She’s a little nervous.
    SAMANTHA: Oh, for Pete’s sake, how long are you two men going to stand around like bumps on a log?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Original Script: Endora tells Serena that she put a spell on Samantha to make her feel everything that Serena does. In the revised script, Endora refuses to tell Serena what she has done.

  • Script:
    MRS. RAFAEL: No, you can barely notice they’re burned. [Samantha starts to sniffle] [a]
    MRS. NICHOLS: My, dear, the canapés aren’t that important.
    SAMANTHA: [through her tears] It’s not the canapés [meaningfully aware] But I wish I knew what it was.
    MRS. RAFAEL: Are we upsetting you?
    SAMANTHA: You? Not at all. I’m just delighted to have you here. Delighted.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Original Script: When the ladies tell Samantha they have one member from Brooklyn, Samantha asks how many they have from Harlem?

  • Script: MRS. NICHOLS: We seem to have caught her at a bad time.
  • Episode: Samantha has the line added: “Oh, no. Anytime would have been a bad time”.

Stephens’ Entry:

  • Script: LARRY: Sit down, sit down.
  • Episode: LARRY: Sit down. Samantha’s not really herself today, but I’m sure in no time we will find out . . . .sit down.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Or his closest relative who happens to be your mother! [a] [Endora POPS in]
    ENDORA: Something not to your liking, Dumb-Dumb?
    SAMANTHA: Hiya there, Mom. How’s the old girl?
    DARRIN [violently to Endora] You did this, didn’t you?
    ENDORA: Whatever do you mean?
    DARRIN: Put some kind of a dumb spell on Sam to make her act crazy!
    SAMANTHA: [crossing index fingers] Yes you did, Mom. Shame, shame on you!
    ENDORA: [voice rising] I do not put dumb spells on anybody.
    SAMANTHA: Shhhh!
    ENDORA: [continues in a harsh whisper] This one was rather clever, in fact. And I only did it so that you could experience some of the good things your cousin Serena enjoys. But, I caught her at a bad moment and I guess I gave her a little over-dose of happiness . . . .so it’s all for naught.
    DARRIN: I beg to differ with you! There are two ladies from the membership committee in there who have been shocked out of their skulls.
    ENDORA: [pleased] You’re right. It wasn’t a wasted effort after all. [she snaps her fingers and disappears].
    SAMANTHA: Bye-bye, Moms.
  • Episode: All of the lines after [a] are cut.

  • Original Script: As the ladies get ready to depart, Endora arrives with Serena, who along with Samantha is stinking drunk. They both make a scene to further embarrass the ladies. Larry offers to take the three ladies home, but they refuse, saying that they will take a cab. Endora, being more hateful than usual, turns the three ladies into ostriches. Endora then waves and POPS out. Larry sees all of this and cannot believe what he has seen. Serena passes out in Larry’s arms, and Samantha passes out on the couch. Larry is so drunk himself that when he sees the three ostriches next to his car, he climbs in the back and orders one of the ostriches to drive.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Original Script: Darrin shakes Samantha awake, telling her to get her mother back and turn the ladies back. Endora returns the ladies back to normal. Samantha also asks Endora to remove the spell from her and cure her hangover. Endora and Serena pop out. Samantha tells Darrin that maybe the club will give them another chance, but who wants to join a club that has ostriches for members.
    The above is in place of the TRAILER scene from the Revised Script and the Episode.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: And Darrin would have told you but you’d never have believed him. [a]
    LARRY: Why didn’t you try me?
    DARRIN: You know how stubborn you are.
    LARRY: [confused] Yeah . . .well . . .[then] Premonition - -huh? [b]
    SAMANTHA: [smiling brightly] That’s right.
    DARRIN: Don’t tell anybody, Larry - -but I’m married to a witch.
    LARRY: [laughs] It’ll be our secret - -you son-of-a-gun [continues to laugh and then hollowly] Well, I just wanted to tell you the good news. [He exits]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. Added are:
    LARRY: Premonition, huh?
    DARRIN: Let’s have a little drink on it.

 

 

# 212, Samantha’s Magic Potion

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: So you’ve been in a little slump [shrugs] [a] It happens to everybody. It’s nothing to worry about.
    DARRIN: When it happens to normal everybodies. . .with normal mothers-in-law, it’s nothing to worry about. But when you have Typhoid Mary for a mother-in-law, it’s something to worry about if you follow me, which I’m sure you do.
    SAMANTHA: What are you suggesting?
    DARRIN: [shakes his head] I don’t know. The savings and loan account is not the
    only one I’ve been having trouble with. [b] Are you sure your mother hasn’t been fooling around?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    ENDORA [grimacing] Great Hector’s Ghost! What a revolting thought! [a]
    DARRIN: You know what she means.
    SAMANTHA: You know what I mean. Darrin’s had a run of bad luck at the office lately and we just want to be sure that you aren’t meddling.
    ENDORA: He’s an expert at failure. Why would he need my help?
    DARRIN: Endora, you have all the charm of a hooded cobra.
    ENDORA: Apparently half of this household resents my presence . . .so . . .
    SAMANTHA: Don’t leave!
    ENDORA: I wasn’t leaving. I was going to remove half of this house-hold.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


ACT I

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script: [Mr. Harmon has arrived to view Darrin’s layouts]
    LARRY: . . .He has a great idea.
    HARMON: I’ll be the judge of that.
    LARRY: Yes, of course. [a]
    DARRIN: I’ve done additional market research on your past advertising campaigns and found that the institute type advertising you used was appealing only to the larger investors which I think accounts for the 22% reduction . . .
    HARMON: Stephens, I’m not here to listen to your speeches. Let’s see your ideas.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script: The script calls for Darrin’s layouts to show an ant, a grasshopper, and a caterpillar.
  • Episode: The insects [bugs] shown are a grasshopper, a caterpillar, and a ladybug.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: Samantha’s spell to call Dr. Bombay:

Leave your black bag behind
Never mind your thermometer
Just come on the run
With your trusty hexometer.

  • Episode: The first line of the spell is changed to: “Never mind the pills”

  • Script: Dr. Bombay goes about setting up his suitcase. When opened, the suitcase is shown to hold an elaborate computer console.
  • Episode: When opened, the suitcase is empty. Dr. Bombay zaps up the computer console.

  • Script:
    BOMBAY: Certainly, you don’t think we’d play touch, do you? That would be indecent. [a]
    SAMANTHA: Will you hurry, doctor? You see, we have a very big problem.
    BOMBAY: [looks Darrin up and down] I can see that . . .[to Samantha] Would you like me to get rid of it?
    DARRIN: There’s only one thing worse than a quack - - that’s a corny quack.
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, that’s no way to talk to a Doctor. Especially a witch Doctor.
    BOMBAY: [to Samantha] Perhaps you should send him to a head shrinker.
    DARRIN: You mean a psychiatrist?
    BOMBAY: No, I mean a head shrinker [he guffaws loudly into Darrin’s face. Darrin does a burn].
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    BOMBAY: Perfectly - - -witchcraft exhaust is clean. Mortal exhaust is dirty. [a]
    DARRIN: [angrily] Terrific! [to Samantha] How long do you think I can stand this constant bugging from your freaked-out family?
    SAMANTHA: [to Bombay] He’s upset.
    BOMBAY: [to Samantha, sympathetically] He’s paranoid.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: Samantha, wearing a robe, comes down the stairs and heads for the kitchen.
  • Episode: This scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: [Samantha enters, puts her hand to her forehead and calls]
    SAMANTHA: Calling Dr. Bombay . . .calling Dr. Bombay. . . .Emergency, come right away. [Dr. Bombay POPS in still in his football suit].
    BOMBAY: Now, what?
    SAMANTHA: I’ve been trying to get you for hours.
    BOMBAY: I’ve been very busy.
    SAMANTHA: [ironic] I can see that. I’ve been up most of the night and I talked to all of my relatives and I can’t find out who put the spell on Darrin. I wonder if you could give me some kind of antidote . . .sort of an over all spell remover.
    BOMBAY: There’s no need for that. The boy doesn’t have a trace of witchcraft in him...
    SAMANTHA: What?!
    BOMBAY: I expected as much when the metaphysical atmospheric continuum was scrambled by my oscillator. And my advice to you is not to tell him because knowing he’s failing on his own might give his delicate psyche a severe bump . . .
    SAMANTHA: But your hexometer clearly showed that . . .
    BOMBAY: My hexometer has been proven to be right nine times out of ten. It occurred to me later, that in cycles of ten, that was it’s tenth use.
    SAMANTHA: Are you sure?
    BOMBAY: How dare you question the diagnosis of the world’s foremost - - -and only - - -authority on curseometry. My dear, you can always depend on me. When I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
    SAMANTHA: Why didn’t you come back and tell us?
    BOMBAY: I couldn’t. I’ve been too busy trying to score on my nurse. [Bombay POPS out].
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: We are my career from now on. You and me. We’ll spend all our time doing things we wouldn’t normally be able to do for twenty years, if ever. [a] So feel free to practice your mumbo-jumbo any time you want. Go ahead, zap up a mink coat.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, if I want a mink coat, I’ll wait until you can afford it.
    DARRIN: The way things are going, that may be never. This is better. You can have the mink now and you don’t have to kill anything to get it.
    SAMANTHA: Now hold it. I know you’ve had to put up with a lot of guff from my relatives . . .
    DARRIN: [interrupting] A Lot?! I’m up to here in it!
    SAMANTHA: Sort of stuffed guff, huh?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


ACT II

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Why go to all that trouble? [a]
    SAMANTHA: Because if you earn it, you’ll enjoy it more - - -it’s a simple matter of pride and you’ll be famous.
    DARRIN: Well, I don’t know.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Well, you turn purple - - -but just for a few seconds. [a]
    DARRIN: Why bother with all this stuff [indicates vial]. Just put a spell on me.
    SAMANTHA: This is not just a spell - - This is a way of life. I’ll get the apothecary to give us a good supply of this . . .and you’ll have it with you whenever you need it. And you won’t have to be calling me up and saying “put a spell on me”. I’ll order a case this afternoon.
    DARRIN: How come you’ve never told me about this before?
    SAMANTHA: You never asked.
    DARRIN: I drink it and I say the words and I turn purple.
    SAMANTHA: For a couple of seconds.
  • Episode: All lines after [a] are cut.

Larry’s Office:

  • Script:
    LARRY: Things are different? [a]
    DARRIN: [beaming with great confidence] That’s right.
    LARRY: [nods his head] I have to admit it, Darrin, sometimes I don’t understand what gets into you.
    DARRIN: You wouldn’t understand if I told you.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Larry, you can stay and listen only if you agree not to interrupt again. [a] To continue . . . .yesterday I made the point that your past advertising was institutional in nature and aimed at the large investor. My concept is geared to the small investor . . .the backbone of any banking firm . . .the two-dollar bettor so to speak.
    HARMON: I run a banking institution - - not a race track.[b]
    LARRY: Right! [to Harmon] Stephens has been sick . . .very unusual virus.
    HARMON: Really?
    LARRY: [nods] Must have picked up some kind of bug . . .virus.[c]
    DARRIN: I’m warning both of you. These interruptions are beginning to make me very impatient.[d]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. The lines between [b] and [c] are moved to after [d].

REVIEWER’S NOTE: At the point where Harmon has agreed completely to Darrin’s sales approach, the script shifts to Darrin arriving at home, continuing ACT II. However, in the episode, the TRAILER begins at the point where Darrin arrives at home, and ends where the script has ACT II end. The script TRAILER is not used in the episode.


EPISODE TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: Well the way you feel now I guess you won’t mind . . .I hope you won’t mind . . .
  • Episode: Added is “Are you going to mind?”

  • Script: [Endora POPS in]
    ENDORA: It takes you a while. Dobbin, but you’ve finally gotten the picture. [a]
    SAMANTHA: Mother, would you please butt out? [to Darrin] Sweetheart, an “ordinary slump” isn’t ordinary when you’re married to a witch. I mean, when you’re surrounded by a family of witches and warlocks, you have every right to be suspicious. [b]
    DARRIN: Then I went to that meeting thinking . . . .Sam, that was a terrible risk to take.
    SAMANTHA: I wasn’t taking any chances. You told me your idea was a good one. [c] All you needed was some confidence to sell it. You didn’t need my witchcraft.
    DARRIN: That’s the point. He bought my confidence - - -not the idea.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, will you stop?
    DARRIN: I’ve probably sold an innocent client a lousy idea just because . . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and after [c] are cut.


SCRIPT TRAILER

Stephens’ Entry Hall – several days later:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [calling] Sweetheart. [Samantha enters dressed to go out]
    SAMANTHA: I’m all ready. And Aunt Hagatha will be here momentarily to baby sit. Now you tell me what we’re celebrating?
    DARRIN: We tested the Harmon Savings and Loan slogan in seven major cities and the campaign was a roaring success.
    SAMANTHA: That’s wonderful!
    DARRIN: Here, look at this. [he unwraps a small package which is a cage holding a live grasshopper] A present from Mr. Harmon. He said he hoped it brings me a much luck as my grasshopper brought him.
    SAMANTHA: Good, we’ll call him Harmon.
    DARRIN: No, it’s a girl grasshopper - - -I think I’ll name her Endora. [Endora POPS in].
    ENDORA: That’s sweet, Durwood - -but why me?
    DARRIN: Just to remind you to stay in your cage and stop bugging me!
    ENDORA: [an innocent shrug] You see, Samantha. This time I didn’t do a thing - - and he’s being as obnoxious as ever.
    DARRIN: [to Endora] Just stop acting like Glinda, the good witch! It doesn’t suit you!
    ENDORA: [into a huff] That does it! [Darrin POPS out]
    SAMANTHA: DARRIN! Mother, what did you do to him? [Endora looks innocently at the cage. There are now two grasshoppers] Oh, Sweetheart, I’m sorry.
    DARRIN’S VOICE: Never mind, Sam. I asked for it. I just wanted to be sure your mother hadn’t changed. [Endora waves and Darrin POPS in again]
    ENDORA: And I just wanted you to know I haven’t.
  • Episode: The script TRAILER is not used.

 

 

# 214, Mother-in-Law of the Year

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: [Samantha is dressed for the day and is mixing pancake batter. Darrin tip-toes in and kisses her on the back of the neck. Samantha gives a little yell and her startled reaction causes her to toss some pancake batter into the air, splattering them both]
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, you shouldn’t sneak up on me like that.
    DARRIN: You’ve just made that abundantly clear.
    SAMANTHA: I’m sorry. What do you say we start over and you can give me some warning.
    DARRIN: Okay. [the camera runs in reverse back to the point where Darrin enters. He re-enters, but calls from the door] Morning, honey. [He crosses to her, kisses her]
    SAMANTHA: Good morning, Sweetheart.
    DARRIN: There are times when it pays to be married to a witch.
    SAMANTHA: Like when?
    DARRIN: Like just a minute ago when I did something dumb.
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, no one’s complaining . . . I mean, there’s nothing wrong with a kiss behind the ear. But, what brought it on?
    DARRIN: What brought it on? I’ll tell you what brought it on. After three weeks of striking out on the Bobbins’ candy account, I finally got THE idea.
    SAMANTHA: I knew you would. [He takes a sketch out of his portfolio]
    DARRIN: Here’s the idea.
  • Episode: The entire opening scene above is cut. The episode begins with Darrin Showing Samantha the “WANTED” poster and reading the captions.

  • Script: SAMANTHA: Oh. I think it’s a great idea. [a] [Endora POPS in]
  • Episode: [Before Endora POPS in at [a], the line is added:]
    DARRIN: We’re also going to work it into his television show.

  • Script:
    ENDORA: Would you like to hear an absolutely brilliant idea that just occurred to me?
    DARRIN: Since you asked, no! [a]
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] Maybe Mother just wants to help.
    DARRIN: Yeah, like a mongoose helps a cobra. [b]
    ENDORA: Giving candy to secretaries is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever heard. [c] Or aren’t you aware how most mortal wives feel about their husband’s secretaries?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and after [c] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Because there is no such thing as Mother’s-In-Law Day.
    ENDORA: Start a fad. [a] Give mothers-in-law equal time. [b]
    DARRIN: That makes as much sense as saying if we celebrate Washington’s birthday, why not Benedict Arnolds? [He kisses Samantha and exits] [c]
    ENDORA: There’s no use being nice to Durwood. He doesn’t appreciate it.
    SAMANTHA: That’s only because when you’re being nice to Darrin, it somehow comes out in the form of an insult, injury and abuse. No offense, Mother, but I have a lot to do. [she exits]
    ENDORA: Hmmm. There’s a thought. I’ve tried everything else to make Dumb-Dumb realize he’s not wanted. Maybe I’ll just be very nice. It could drive him up the walls.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut, as are the lines after [c].


ACT I

Larry’s Office:

  • Script: Calls for Bobbins to turn off the TV set and to turn to Larry.
  • Episode: Larry turns off the TV set and turns to Bobbins.

  • Script: Where is Stephens? Or aren’t geniuses supposed to be on time?
    LARRY: [a] It’s still a little early.
    BOBBINS: As far as progress is concerned, I’d say it’s a little late.
    LARRY: Say, that’s very good! You do have a way with phrases. [b]
    BOBBINS: Bobbins Buttery Bon-Bon’s was mine, you know.
    LARRY: I know. I know. And that’s exactly why I . . . .[c]
  • Episode: At [a] is inserted: LARRY: I’m sure he’ll be here shortly. [The lines between [b] and [c] are cut].

  • Script:
    DARRIN: . . . . So it’s been quite a challenge to come up with an arresting ad campaign. [a] The solution is obviously a brand new market. But, what market? [b]
    BOBBINS: I hope you’re leading up to something. I hear more hare-brained ideas. Do you know what my nephew came up with yesterday? Listen to this: “Buy your secretary a box of Bobbins’ candy”. [Darrin reacts by closing his portfolio] Ever hear of a worse idea? [c] You know how the average wife feels about her husband’s secretary.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] plus the lines after [c] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: I was? Oh, yes. I, uh . . .that is . . .[a]
    BOBBINS: What’s the matter with him?
    LARRY: You know these creative geniuses - - -very high strung. [to Darrin] The team’s behind you, boy. Just put it over the old plate.
    DARRIN: Over the old plate. [b] Well, here goes. [c] [Endora freezes all three and pops down in their midst. She then incants:]
    . . . .The voice will be Dumb-Dumb’s but the thought will be mine. [Endora snaps her fingers, hops back on her perch and the three unfreeze].
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are moved to after Endora has cast her spell. After [c], Endora casts her spell from her perch on the lamp. In the last line of her spell, the word “thought” is changed to “idea”.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: I’ve been in the park wrestling with my conscience [a] and trying to come up with an idea that Bobbins will like better than your mother’s.
    SAMANTHA: And?
    DARRIN: And I can’t think of anything. [b]
    SAMANTHA: I realize you must have a little conflict about using her idea.
    DARRIN: Not a little. A great big one. [c] How can a reasonably honest guy take credit for a great idea he had absolutely nothing to do with.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b], as well as the lines after [c], are cut.

Stephens’ Hall:

  • Script: [Darrin has answered the door]
    LARRY: Where have you been, Darrin? Mr. Bobbins and I’ve been trying to reach you all afternoon.
    DARRIN: I went to the park - - -had a lot of thinking to do.
    BOBBINS: Genius at work, eh? Well, that’s why we’ve been trying to catch you.
    LARRY: Do you mind if we come in?
    DARRIN: No, of course not. Come on in.
  • Episode: This entire scene is cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: There’s no pleasing him. He’s disturbed when I bug him, and he’s just as disturbed when I help him. He’s obviously a disturbed type!
    SAMANTHA: I’ve tried to tell you over and over again . . . .
    DARRIN’S VOICE: Sam, can you come here a minute?
    SAMANTHA: Just a minute, Sweetheart [to Endora] . . . over and over again, if Darrin succeeds he has to do it on his own. [a] So, once and for all, stop meddling in his affairs! [she exits] [b]
    ENDORA: What have I done to earn such gratitude?
  • Episode: All of the lines except those between [a] and [b] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    BOBBINS: [reaching out to Endora] There’s something I’ve got to say.
    ENDORA: Yes, Mr. Bobbins?
    BOBBINS: Please - - - -call me Bernard [taking her hand] [a] I want you . . .
    ENDORA: [blushing prettily] Bernard! Really!
    BOBBINS: I mean [b], I want you to be the Bobbins’ Mother-in-law of the year.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Endora, you know you don’t have time for . . . .[a]
    ENDORA: [interrupting] If Bernard thinks I’m worthy of this great honor, I’ll make the time to . . . [glances at clock - - reacts] [b] The time! Oh, my, I didn’t realize it was so late! [to Darrin] Will you be a dear and call me a cab?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    BOBBINS: Nice meeting you, Mrs. Stephens [a] [they exit]
    LARRY: Time for me to take off, too. See you tomorrow, Darrin. Ciao. [he exits]
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are changed to: [Bobbins and Endora start to exit]
    LARRY: Since we came in the same car, I’d better be going, too. [as he starts to follow Dobbins and Endora, she gives him a dirty look] Oh, he’s just dropping me off at my place. It’s just . . . .


ACT II

Larry’s Office:

  • Script: [Larry is on the phone as Darrin bursts into his office]. [a]
    DARRIN: Larry, I’ve got to talk to you.
    LARRY: [shushing him] Hold it, Darrin [back into phone] Sure it’s short notice, Marvin. But that’s the way Mr. Bobbins wants it; care to argue about it? [b] Thanks for your cooperation.
    DARRIN: Larry, this whole thing with Samantha’s Mother. Samantha and I discussed it and . . .well, it’s not feasible.
    LARRY: What are you talking about? [c]
    DARRIN: In the first place, to make this idea pay off, we should run a contest. To merely present a Mother-In-Law of the Year is not effective advertising. There’s no time for promotion. Where’s the publicity?
    LARRY: Where’s your head? This is the way the client wants it. [d]
    DARRIN: I refuse to let you use my idea without taking full advantage of its potential.
    LARRY: Darrin, are you out of your tree? [e] You know that as an employee every idea you come up with belongs to McMann and Tate. Furthermore . . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut , as well as those between [c] and [d], and those after [e].

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: She’s not joking. [a]
    DARRIN: Of course she is. How can she go skiing when she’s supposed to appear on a . . . .I’m beginning to realize what evil lurks in the mind of your mother. [b]
    SAMANTHA: Mother, you can’t do this.
    ENDORA: I have to. I promised Peabody I would. You remember him. He invented thunder. [a PEAL of THUNDER is heard] Be right with you, Peabody! [c]
    [to Samantha] We’re going to try some crash skiing.
    SAMANTHA: What’s that?
    ENDORA: It’s a game we made up. He starts an avalanche and we race it down the mountain. [d]
    DARRIN: No! You’re not going to get away with this. You engineered this whole thing and you’re going to stay here and do that TV show. [e]
    ENDORA: Well, well, well. Am I hearing correctly? Yesterday, you called me a mongoose and a Benedict Arnold. I don’t deserve this shower of good will. [a RUMBLE of thunder is heard] Coming!
    SAMANTHA: Mother, what about those promises you always keep?
    ENDORA: This is the exception that makes the rule.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut, as are the lines between [c] and [d] and those after [e].

Stephens’ Living Room Intercut with Studio:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [the phone rings] Hello . . . .
    LARRY: [into phone] Where the devil are you? And more important, where’s Endora? We’ve got to rehearse her, you know. The director is having a fit.
    DARRIN: There’s a little complication . . . .[a]
    LARRY: Darrin, I don’t handle little complications. That’s your job. Now, get over here as fast as you can.
    DARRIN: Larry, you’ve got to listen to me!
    LARRY: You don’t realize what you set in motion my friend. Bobbins came in this morning and announced he’s going to commit 80% of his advertising budget to the Mother-In-Law campaign. Do you hear the dollar signs in my voice?
    DARRIN: That’s terrific.
    LARRY: But I interrupted you. What were you going to say?
    DARRIN: Who, me? Nothing.
    LARRY: Then get going, Man!
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Sound Stage:

  • Script:
    MAXWELL: . . . . .I can replace it with something else. [a]
    BOBBINS: [to Larry] This is really unforgiveable.[script spelling]
  • Episode: The following lines are added at [a]:
    JIM: I could do the Bobbins Buttery Bon-Bons we did last week.
    MAXWELL: Look, I don’t know, Jim.
    BOBBINS: Excellent! Excellent!
    MAXWELL: Beautiful, baby, get the Buttery Bon-Bons out.

  • Script: MAXWELL: Okay then, let’s go. And remember there’s no second chance. [a]
  • Episode: At [a] is added “Kill the Buttery Bon-Bons bit.”

Control Booth:

  • Script: [a] MAXWELL: Leo, that broad is back in again! Get her out of there! Get her out!
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut. The scene centers on the Client’s booth.

Client’s Booth:

  • Script:
    BOBBINS: You can’t believe it . . . .[a]
    DARRIN: Shhh! It’s a new twist . . . .called the reverse syndrome. You don’t want to miss it, Mr. Bobbins. Shhh! [Bobbins, mouth agape, turns back to the screen].
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


TRAILER

Studio:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: That’s my favorite part, too. [a] [Maxwell approaches like a man facing the guilliotine [script spelling]] [b]
    MAXWELL: Mr. Bobbins, the whole thing was a technical foul-up, and I’m going to find the guy responsible if . . .
    DARRIN: It’s all right, Maxwell. I told him about our little surprise and he loved it.
    MAXWELL: He did?
    BOBBINS: I certainly did. You’re to be congratulated, Maxwell.
    MAXWELL: I am?
    DARRIN: That’s right
    MAXWELL: [modestly] It was a challenge, but I loved doing it. As a matter of fact . . . .
    DARRIN: Maxwell, you’ve got a show on the air. I think you better get back in the control booth.
    MAXWELL: [makes “Roger” sign] Beautiful, Baby.
  • Episode: Added at [a] is:
    BOBBINS: Where’s Endora?
    SAMANTHA: I can’t imagine. She was here just a moment ago. I guess maybe she had to leave. [The lines after [b] are cut].

 

 

# 217, Return of Darrin, the Bold

TEASER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: I know. But I got tired of tripping over it. [a]
    DARRIN: [a beat, then] I’ll get the squeak out of the pantry door.
    SAMANTHA: I took care of that, too.
    DARRIN: Oh. Where do you find the time for all this?
    SAMANTHA: [smiling] I don’t take Saturday’s off. [b]
    DARRIN: Sweetheart, there’s something you don’t understand.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.


ACT I

Limbo:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: Right. That will cause a change in his cosmic chromosomes and simultaneously Dumbo will inherit the powers of a warlock. [a] Just think how sweet life will be for Samantha after that!!!
    SERENA: Yeah, if she doesn’t get hip to how it happened.
    ENDORA: Impossible. In the first place there’ll be no spell for her to detect. [b]
    SERENA: But Auntie, Sammy’ll ask questions.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

Castle Guest Room:

  • Script: In the script the cues for Darrin the Bold are “DARRIN/BOLD”. Whenever Serena and Endora mention Darrin the Bold to each other they say Darrin the Bold.
  • Episode: When Endora and Serena speak of Darrin the Bold, they use the name Durwood the Bold.

  • Script:
    SERENA: I’d like a fire in the fireplace. To heat this medicine.
    DARRIN/BOLD: [a] Medicine, you say? [b] Now why would a lass as healthy as yourself have a need for medicine?
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN/BOLD: I . . .I feel terrible strange [Serena puts her arms around him and gives him a passionate kiss] [a]
    SERENA: How do you feel now?
    DARRIN/BOLD: [joyfully] It’s at heaven’s gate, I am! Ah, but you’re a comely lass, and I want to love you forever.
    SERENA: I don’t know about forever, you beautiful Irishman, but what’re you doing for the rest of the day?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SERENA: From now on, you’re going to be able to get anything you wish for.
    DARRIN/BOLD: Anything? [a]
    SERENA: Yes.
    DARRIN/BOLD: [with a leer] Well, in that case - - -[b] [Serena hauls off and slaps him in the face]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.


ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Will you two stop discussing me like I was a piece of furniture. What are you babbling about? [a]
    SAMANTHA: [to Endora] Have you ever heard anything like this before?
    ENDORA: Never.
    SAMANTHA: Then how do you explain it?
    DARRIN: Explain what? What’s going on? [b]
    ENDORA: If you can muzzle him, I do have an explanation.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, control yourself. [a]
    ENDORA: [to Darrin] This is undoubtedly the best thing that ever happened to you, Durwood. [with a benign smile to Darrin] Don’t you realize what a magnificent present you’ve received. You . . .a pitiful mortal . . .you’ve been raised to the stature of a warlock. Perhaps now I’ll be able to call you by your right name , and you can call me Moms.
    DARRIN: Don’t do me any favors . . . [b]
    SAMANTHA: Please, Mother. I think . . . . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: That dumb bush is the least of our problems. I wish I’d never seen it. [Samantha winces. The scene switches to outside where the bush is seen to disappear. The scene shifts back to the Stephens’ Living Room] [a] I mean it, Sam. What about the office? Whenever I get an idea, I won’t know whether I’m spreading around miracles or really coming up with an idea. And I can’t work that way.
    SAMANTHA: What are you going to so? [b]
    DARRIN: I don’t know . . . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script: [Samantha is on the phone, an open phone book beside her]
    SAMANTHA: [into phone] Hello, is this Riley’s Bar? Could you tell me is there’s a Darrin Stephens there? . . .Sure I’ll hold on.
  • Episode: “Riley’s Bar” is changed to the “Elbow Room Cocktail Lounge”.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: All right, Serena, start from the top.
    SERENA: How did you know that’s where it started? [a] Well, Endora and I went to the top of the world to talk to the Old Man of the Mountain and . . .
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

Bar:

  • Script: [Darrin is sipping his beer and Dave has buddied up to him on the next stool.
    DAVE: The first seven years are the hardest, I always say.
    DARRIN: ‘Magine something like that happening. Right here in America?
    DAVE: Long may she wave, I always say.
    DARRIN: Sure, we had problems, but we were happy.
    DAVE: Happiness doesn’t bring money, I always say. Sort of a joke.
    DARRIN: This is no joke. I’ve turned into a warlock!
    DAVE: Yeah. But war never solves any problems, I always say.
    DARRIN: You’re not listening to me!
    DAVE: That’s all right. I’m not listening to you either.
    DARRIN: [giving up] I don’t know about you, but I want another beer. [a glass of beer POPS IN in front of Darrin. Dave blinks] Now do you believe what I’ve been telling you?
    DAVE: You’re right. That bartender is the fastest draw in town!
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

Castle Dining Room:

  • Script: The script calls for Darrin the Bold to be seated at his end of the table, but Elaine the Fat is not at hers.
  • Episode: Elaine the Fat is never seen or referred to.

  • Script:
    DARRIN/BOLD: [a] Let me see, now . . .if memory serves, it’s the upstairs maid ye are, is it not?
    GIRL: No, my lord. I’m the maid-of-all work!
    DARRIN/BOLD: Yes, well, all work and no play is a terrible thing [b] Now then, to be serious. How would ye like a little promotion?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script: DARRIN/BOLD: Now why did ye go and change yer hair? Tis a well known fact that brunettes have more fun.
  • Episode: “Brunettes” is changed to “Blondes”.

House – Exterior:

  • Script:
    FERGUSON: That’s right - -you’re going to get carried away all right . . .on a stretcher. [a]
    DARRIN: Will you relax - - -I’ll have that bush restored in no time. Just go into your house and have a beer, and when you come back, the bush will be there.
    FERGUSON: As if by magic, huh?
    DARRIN: In a way, yes.
    FERGUSON: Boy, you’re really asking for it.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: [Ferguson starts to roll up his sleeves] [a]I’m warning you Ferguson. Better not mess with me. I have powers.
    FERGUSON: Karate, huh? [he laughs] Well, let’s pit your black belt . . . .
    DARRIN: I don’t mean that. I have super powers. [b]
    FERGUSON: What you have is a screw loose.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script and Episode agree.

 

 

# 220, This Little Piggie

REVIEWER’S NOTE: In this episode a portion of the script second act is broken off to be the episode trailer. The script trailer is not used at all.

TEASER

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Sam, how come you haven’t said a word about my tie?
    SAMANTHA: Uh . . .I was looking for the right word [a]
    DARRIN: Do you think the stripes clash?
    SAMANTHA: What stripes?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Have you finished the jingle for Colonel Brigham’s Succulent Spareribs?
    DARRIN: I’ve got two pretty good ones here. [a] Incidentally, what are you planning to serve for dinner tonight?
    SAMANTHA: Rock Cornish Hen. That okay?
    DARRIN: Sure, although what the Colonel would probably prefer is a bucket of his succulent spareribs. I wish I knew which of these jingles he’d prefer.
    SAMANTHA: I kind of lean toward the one that’s based on “Pop Goes the Weasel”.
    DARRIN: Yeah . . . .although “This Little Pig Went To Market” has a lot of appeal to the young . . .but the other one is kind of ingenious if I say so myself. [b] I just can’t make up my mind.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: And to show you how wrong you are, I’ve just made up my mind to leave. [a]
    ENDORA: You cannot take from me anything I would more willingly part with. [to Samantha] Not bad, eh?
    SAMANTHA: No, and it wasn’t bad when William Shakespeare said it either.
    ENDORA: Sure, whom do you think Willie boy said it to?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Driveway:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: . . . .A plague of “ifs”, “ands”, and “buts” will now descend and drive you nuts! [She unfreezes Darrin] [a]
    DARRIN: Are you out of your tree? What are you doing there? Get off! [b]
  • Episode: At [a] is added “Hi, Dumbo”. At [b] is added “Unless you’d rather stay. On second thought, get off”.

  • Script:
    GLADYS: . . . .I’m trying to get everyone to replace or paint them [a]
    DARRIN: Good idea. I’m all for it.
    GLADYS: Oh, good. Would you believe I just talked to the Fishers and they refused to do a thing about it?
    DARRIN: I can’t blame them.
    GLADYS: Mr. Stephens, are you feeling all right?
    DARRIN: Of course.
    GLADYS: Are you sure?
    DARRIN: Of course not.
    GLADYS: Are you putting me on?
    DARRIN: Yes. No. I mean yes and no.
    GLADYS: You’re such a kidder. What do you think of everybody painting their trash cans yellow?
    DARRIN: Yellow is absolutely the best color you could pick. It’s perfect.
    GLADYS: How about light blue?
    DARRIN: Blue would be even better. [b] [looks at his watch] Wow, look at the time! I’ve got to rush.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.


ACT I

Stephens’ Entryway:

  • Script:
    GLADYS: What do you think if we all paint our trash cans the same color?
    SAMANTHA: Fine with me.
    GLADYS: Do you prefer yellow or . . . .? [the closing door cuts her off] [a][to herself] Can’t tell me there’s not something weird about this house. [she reacts to o.s. action] Oh, Mrs. Patterson, may I talk to you about your cans?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Darrin’s Outer Office:

  • Script:
    BETTY: Oh, good morning, Mr. Stephens.
    DARRIN: Good morning, Betty.
    BETTY: See you got a new tie.
    DARRIN: Yeah, like it?
    BETTY: Certainly should brighten up the office.
    DARRIN: I thought it went well with this shirt, except the stripes clash. I don’t know why I wore this shirt. As a matter of fact, I don’t know why I bought this tie. Oh, well.
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut.

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script:
    LARRY: What do you mean?
    DARRIN: Maybe it’s a bad approach [a]
    LARRY: Why?
    DARRIN: Why not?
    LARRY: Are you feeling okay?
    DARRIN: Yes and no.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Right. It’s a little overboard, isn’t it? [a]
    LARRY: Well . . . .
    DARRIN: But on the other hand, we’re in the advertising business, and we should project the modern image.[b]
    LARRY: It’s okay with me.
    DARRIN: Yes, but is it appropriate to wear when you’re meeting a conservative gentleman of the Old South? [c] He probably wears a string tie.
    LARRY: That’s a point.
    DARRIN: Well . . .as far as I’m concerned, it’s none of his business!
    LARRY: You’re right.
    DARRIN: No, I’m wrong. [d] A thing like this could be very damaging.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut as are those between [c] and [d].

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Out to buy another tie. [a]
    LARRY: You don’t have to go that far.
    DARRIN: Larry, do I want to change this tie or don’t I?
    LARRY: You’re a big boy, Darrin. If we land this account, it’ll be your baby. If we don’t it won’t matter what you’re wearing, because you’ll be working someplace else.
    DARRIN: You’re right. I’ll change the tie.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    HAGATHA: Samantha, I wish you wouldn’t do that. I was getting 40 winks and I was only up to 35.
    SAMANTHA: Sorry, Aunt Hagatha, but it’s an emergency. [a] I’ve got to pop down to Darrin’s office to check on something. . . .
  • Episode: At [a], is inserted: “Mother’s interfering again so she’s hiding out”.

McMann and Tate Building Corridor:

  • Script: [Camera angle on janitor’s closet. There is the sound of Samantha’s arrival. She comes out of the closet and exits the scene.]
  • Episode: [The janitor is in the closet. He comes out, sees he has forgotten something. He opens the door and bumps into Samantha as she is coming out].
    SAMANTHA: Good afternoon!

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: [a] Okay, Aunt Hagatha. I’m back. You can leave now. [b] All right, Mother [c] Machree the opposite! [d] How would you like to come and sit a spell while we discuss the one you put on Darrin? [A balloon floats down and pops with a piece of paper falling out] “Enjoyed your pun. I’m [e] at the Duke of Buckingham’s having trifle and tea [f]. And haven’t time to trifle with you” - -Mother!. [g]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. The liners between [c] and [d] are replaced with: “I’ve had it with your interference. If the New York Jets had it they would probably win the championship.” The lines between [e] and [f] are replaced with: “trifling with the Maharajah of Janapoor.” At [g] the following is added: “P.S. Notify the Jets I won’t be available until 5:00 PM this afternoon. Good grief, Mother. You’re driving me crazy.”


ACT II

Larry’s Office:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: No, no, no. I was just thinking of the other idea I had. In some ways it was even cuter. [a] Or maybe not. Would you like to hear it?
    LARRY: Darrin, the Colonel loves “Yum goes the tummy”. Why compete with yourself?
    Colonel: I’d like to hear the other idea.
    LARRY: Well, in that case . . . .
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    COLONEL: [to Larry] Let him go on [a]
    DARRIN: Yeah. Let me go on, will you? [to the Colonel] No, I like “Yum Goes Your Tummy” better. Although the baby has a lot of appeal. [b] Do you really like this idea?
    COLONEL: How do I know. I haven’t heard it.
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] are cut.

Outer Office:

  • Script:
    LARRY: Darrin, you’re not well. [a]
    DARRIN: You’re the second person who’s told me that and I resent it! Even though you’re absolutely right.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: I would have been home a lot earlier, but I couldn’t decide whether to take the bridge or the tunnel [a]
    I’ve been driving around for hours. [b]
    SAMANTHA: Uh oh. The meeting didn’t go well?
    DARRIN: It was okay. Except that it was a disaster. Thanks to your mother. You were right. She did it to me again. I think. Although maybe it’s just me. But I doubt it. See? I can’t make up my mind! And on top of everything else, Larry’s bringing the client over early. I’ve got to head them off. [he dials phone]
    SAMANTHA: It was a stupid argument this morning. Mother was trying to prove how indecisive you are.
    DARRIN: Oh. Yeah?
    SAMANTHA: If you wouldn’t challenge her all of the time, she wouldn’t . . . .
    DARRIN: This is Darrin Stephens. Let me talk to Mr. Tate . . .He did? He can’t! I mean - - -thanks. Goodbye. He’s on his way here! Sam, do something. [c]
    SAMANTHA: I’ve been trying to reach Mother all afternoon. Just calm down.
    DARRIN: I’m calm. I’m calm! For a man who’s upset, I’m very calm. [d]
  • Episode: At [a] is inserted: “I finally decided on the bridge. Then I couldn’t decide which bridge. And on top of that, Larry is bringing the client over early. Sam, do something”. The lines between [b] and [c] are cut. At [d] “I’m also very upset” is added.

  • Script: I put him on the roof! [a] [there is an o. s. shriek from Gladys]
  • Episode: The action after [a] is cut.

Stephens’ House:

  • Script: [Samantha looks across the street. Gladys is running frantically toward her house.]
    GLADYS: Abner, hide! It’s the invaders from the Planet of the Pigs. [Darrin gestures angrily down to Samantha]
    SAMANTHA: Don’t worry, Sweetheart. She’s cried “Wolf” so many times that nobody’ll listen when she cries “Pig”.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: . . . .Come on down, Darrin. We’re dying to hear the details. [a]
    SAMANTHA: [to Colonel] Darrin told me you weren’t too thrilled with the TV commercials he wrote, so he’s been working on another one. And he went out and got this mask just to try it. Then he got the idea for the sign. [b]
    LARRY: [to Colonel] How’s that for enterprise? [c] I’m dying of curiosity. What’s this new brainstorm of yours, Darrin? [d]
    SAMANTHA: It’s hard to talk with that mask on, isn’t it, Sweetheart?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. The lines between [c] and [d] are cut and replaced with: “McMann and Tate is first in enterprise”.
    COLONEL: I’ll be the judge of that. What is this new idea of yours Stephens?

  • Script:
    LARRY: Oh. [to Colonel] Tremendous head for detail. [to Darrin] But, we’re going to be eating soon, so why don’t you take it off? [a]
    SAMANTHA: Oh, Larry, this is awkward. We’ve been so busy getting this commercial idea ready, I haven’t done a thing about dinner so how about a little rain check, huh?
    COLONEL: Why don’t we just send out for a bucket of Colonel Brigham’s Succulent Spareribs?
    SAMANTHA: [sickly smile] Do you mind?
    COLONEL: Mind? I’d be insulted if you didn’t. [to Darrin] You’d think I’d be sick of spareribs by now, . . .but actually I . . . [b] [looking at Darrin] How long is he going to wear that?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.


EPISODE TRAILER [In the script, ACT II continues]

Stephens Kitchen:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: I didn’t quite catch that, but okay. [she waves and Darrin’s head reappears] [a]
    DARRIN: Some day, Endora, some day you’re going to go too far. And this is the day![ Endora waves angrily and the pig’s head reappears]
    ENDORA: One more sound and I’ll huff and I’ll puff and blow your house down!
    LARRY’S VOICE: Oh, Sam . . .
    SAMANTHA: [pleading] Mother! [b][Endora waves and Darrin returns to normal just as Larry enters.]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

End Script ACT II, End Episode.


SCRIPT TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: [later the same evening]
    DARRIN: Sam, some people prepare for hurricanes - -for floods - -for all kinds of disasters. We’ve got to find some way to prepare ourselves for your Mother’s visits.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, will you hold it down? You never know when she might hear you.
    DARRIN: And that’s another thing. I don’t like having an eavesdropper in-residence.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, shhh!
    DARRIN: You act as if she’s here.
    SAMANTHA: She is. [She indicates painting over the fireplace. Endora has replaced the woman in the painting]
    ENDORA: When are you going to stop raving, Durwood?
    DARRIN: When are you going to stop butting in? [the doorbell rings]
    SAMANTHA: Will you both cool it, while I see who it is? [she opens the door to show Gladys on the porch].
    GLADYS: I’ve only got a minute. Abner is waiting to take me to stay a few days with my mother. He thinks I need a rest. I just wanted to ask you something.
    SAMANTHA: Yes?
    GLADYS: When I was outside before dinner, I . . .I had the distinct impression that I saw your husband on the roof with a . . . .pig’s head.
    SAMANTHA: Mrs. Kravitz, you can’t be serious!
    GLADYS: That’s what Abner said. [Darrin comes into view] Oh, hello, Mr. Stephens. Am I glad to see you!
    SAMANTHA: It’s probably your eyes.
    GLADYS: I hope it was my eyes. [a car horn is heard] I’m coming! Well, I’m sorry to have - - - [Gladys sees the picture with Endora waving at her from in the picture] Abner, Quick! Start the motor! [she flees]
    SAMANTHA: Mother, you’re absolutely incorrigible!
    ENDORA: Thank you, my dear. I do my best. [she POPS out of the picture]
    SAMANTHA: You’re right. She’s really too much.
    DARRIN: Yeah, but I just realized something. Having the Wicked Witch of the West in your family has one benefit.
    SAMANTHA: It does?
    DARRIN: She makes me appreciate what a good little witch I’m married to.
    SAMANTHA: Oh, Sweetheart, I’ll bet you say that to all the witches.[they kiss into the fadeout]
  • Episode: This trailer is not used.

 

 

# 221, Mixed Doubles

REVIEWER’S NOTE: This is the second consecutive episode where the last of the script second act is broken off to form the episode trailer. As in the previous episode, the script trailer is not used.

TEASER

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Sam, in our marriage, boredom will never be a problem.[a]
    SAMANTHA: Because we’re too much in love?
    DARRIN: Right. [sardonically] And because you’ll always find a way to keep the magic alive.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Good. That’s not how I feel either. So let’s go to sleep [lights are turned off]
    SAMANTHA: [a] But Louise gave the book such a rave review, I think that may be how she and Larry feel.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut and replaced with:
    SAMANTHA: [she turns the light back on] I’m concerned about Louise.
    DARRIN: Sam!
    SAMANTHA: Weelll!!


ACT I

Tate’s Bedroom:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: . . .Does Darrin know I’m gone? I’d better check on that. [She gestures and a simple house dress POPS on her]
  • Episode: The house dress is replaced with a black sweater and slacks.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script: Calls for Louise to be seated at the vanity table.
  • Episode: Louise stands looking at Darrin.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: I don’t know. You look the same to me.
    [a] [Louise turns and looks in the mirror. She sees an image of Samantha. She turns back to Darrin].
    LOUISE: Are you sure I don’t look different to you? {Samantha vigorously nods]
    DARRIN: Vaguely.
  • Episode: The lines and action after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Upstairs Hallway:

  • Script:
    ENDORA . . .But as dreary mortals, Durwood and the Tates are not. [a]
    SAMANTHA: What about Tabitha and Adam? Are they immune?
    ENDORA: They’re too young. Their powers aren’t fully developed. [b] I remember when you were a child there was a similar mix up in which you couldn’t tell the difference between your father and a rhinoceros and . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    ENDORA: The entire mortal world?
    SAMANTHA: No I guess that wouldn’t . . . [a]
    ENDORA: Why not simply tell Darwin and the Tates what ails them?
    SAMANTHA: I can’t tell Larry and Louise who I am unless I reveal what I am - -so I have to pretend I’m who and what they think I am. Temporarily. Until this can be straightened out without their knowledge. I hope.
    ENDORA: Straightened out by whom?
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Tates Bedroom:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Maybe you’d better lay off those after dinner stingers!
    LARRY: Yeah. [a]
    SAMANTHA: You were about to tell me what you’d like for breakfast.
    LARRY: Oh. I’d like the usual.
    SAMANTHA: You would?
    LARRY: I’d like the same breakfast I’ve had every morning of our marriage.
    SAMANTHA: Really? Don’t you think you might enjoy a change?
    LARRY: Louise, I want grapefruit juice, hot cereal, and coffee.
    SAMANTHA: You’re right. Why switch from a proven winner. [she starts to leave]
    LARRY: Louise?
    SAMANTHA: Yes, Larry?
    LARRY: Is anything wrong? I can’t put my finger on it, but you don’t seem like yourself today.
    SAMANTHA: I’m fine. It must be you. Those after dinner stingers.[ she turns and exits into a closet, discovers her error, flashes Larry a smile and exits the correct door while Larry looks puzzled].
  • Episode: The lines and action after [a] are cut.

Tate’s Dining Room:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: Jon, you didn’t finish your milk. You’re staring at me. Why? [Jon shrugs, finishes his milk] [a]
  • Episode: At [a] is added:
    JON: I don’t know.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: . . .He’s so big and strong I thought he was ready to go to work [a]
    LARRY: Jon, kiss your mother goodbye. [Jon rises, kisses Samantha’s cheek with marked restraint.] [Larry puts his arm around Jon and they exit].
  • Episode: At [a] the lines and action are cut and replaced with:
    JON: I’ll get my books. [He exits the room. Larry does not put his arm around Jon and lead him out of the room. After Jon exits, and Samantha’s kiss on the cheek, Larry swats Samantha on the rear with the newspaper as he leaves]

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

  • Script: [Darrin and Louise enter, [a] followed by Tabitha . Samantha POPS in on the staircase, unseen]
    TABITHA: Mommy.
    LOUISE: Yes, dear? [Tabitha stares at Louise] Tabitha, why are you staring at me?
    TABITHA: [shrugs] Mommy, before the school bus comes, may I please have another piece of toast?
    LOUISE: Of course you may.[Samantha POPS out]
  • Episode: The lines and action after [a] are cut.

Tate’s Living Room:

  • Script: BOMBAY: But I never take the diagnosis of a lay witch [a]. Samantha, stand on one foot, place your left pinky on your right earlobe and say, “Willy Warlock walked away with Wally Walrus.”
  • Episode: After [a] the lines are changed to: “Samantha, stand on your left foot, place your right pinky on your nose, take your right foot in your left hand and say ‘Willy Warlock walked away with Wally Walrus’”.

  • Script:
    BOMBAY: . . . .The only hope is for me to treat you . . . thereby curing them. [a]
    SAMANTHA: How?
    BOMBAY: Simple.
    SAMANTHA: How simple?
    BOMBAY: That depends. Tell me what you did before the disturbance occurred.
    SAMANTHA: I went to sleep. After reading the first chapter of a book called “Marital Unrest”, and talking to my husband about Louise and Larry Tate.
    BOMBAY: Aha! That’s it!
    ENDORA: That’s what?
    BOMBAY: Literary transfiguration. The title of the book, combined with the discussion of another married couple, planted certain thoughts in Samantha’s subconscious mind, thoughts of deep concern for her friend, which in her sleep caused a cosmic short circuit, disturbing her metaphysical molecules. And when they settled, Samantha and Louise were relocated in place of each other. It’s elementary.
    SAMANTHA: In that case, would you mind repeating it?
    BOMBAY: Yes, I would. I told my nurse I’d be back in five minutes.
  • Episode: At [a] is added:
    SAMANTHA: Not till you get rid of that ridiculous costume. [Following this line, the remainder of the scene is cut].

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: It didn’t work. [a] Louise still thinks I’m her and she’s me.
    ENDORA: [to Bombay] That’s one on you, isn’t it?
    BOMBAY: Hmmm . . .those sneaky molecules must be more disturbed that I thought.
  • Episode: At [a] is added the line:
    BOMBAY I know, I just tried. [Endora’s line is moved to after Bombay’s last line]

  • Script:
    BOMBAY: I can’t. The key ingredient is marrow from the tooth of a saber-toothed tiger, and I have to go to Asia Minor for it [a] And I’ll need a tiger tamer. My nurse. If she can tame me, she can tame any wild beast. [he POPS out] [b]
    ENDORA: Louise.
    SAMANTHA: Yes, Mother? [she realizes the name she has responded to]. Mother, knock that off.
    ENDORA: I was only trying to amuse you during your long, long wait.
    SAMANTHA: I don’t want a long, long wait. I want to go back to being me, soon. My kids need me.
    ENDORA: Well, I suppose you could tell Tabitha and Adam and swear them to secrecy.
    SAMANTHA: Adam wouldn’t understand, and Tabitha would be confused. But, I can tell Darrin!
    ENDORA: He’d be even more confused than Tabitha. She’s smarter, and . . .and besides being a mortal subject to temper tantrums, he’d probably have a fit.
    SAMANTHA: But I have to tell him. Then instead of it being three against one, it’ll be two against two. Together we can keep the wrong people apart. Besides Darrin won’t get mad. He always says honesty is the best policy . . .I’ll explain that I didn’t do it on purpose . . .And he’ll be furious.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are changed to: “I’m no longer on speaking terms with Asia Senior. And I’ll need a tiger tamer. My nurse. She really has charms to sooth the savage beast”. At [b] the remainder of the scene is cut.


ACT II

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: I know Samantha is a witch for the simple reason that I’m Samantha. [a]
    DARRIN: A witch . . .what a wild idea. What do you mean you’re Samantha!?
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Samantha, it is you! [she smiles, twitches, the bells POP out, [a] she rises and kisses Darrin’s cheek]
    SAMANTHA: Welcome home.
    DARRIN: What happened? I mean . . .no offense to Louise, but this is one bit of fouled up witchcraft that I’ll never get used to.
  • Episode: The lines and action after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: . . . .we’ll just have a pleasant evening. If not we’ll stay up all night talking. Sweetheart, I’m sorry. [a] [She starts to give him a kiss and he backs away] Oh. [she snaps her fingers and turns into Louise].
    LOUISE: Better?
    DARRIN: Now that’s more like it.
    LOUISE: Not really. [Darrin starts to kiss her. She turns her cheek and Darrin pecks her, confused. She snaps her fingers and turns back to Samantha. [b] Larry enters.
  • Episode: The lines and action between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Now, what did you want to see me about?
    LARRY: I forgot. [a]
    DARRIN: Why don’t you go out and come in again? We’ll start all over.
    LARRY: Good idea. [he exits]
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

  • Script: [Louise appears in the hallway leading to the kitchen].[a]
    LOUISE: Surprise!
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] Darrin, didn’t you tell Samantha that Larry busted into your office and blew the surprise?
    DARRIN: Oh, I forgot. I wonder why? Well, come on in.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    LARRY: Goodnight, Sam, thanks for a lovely . . .
    SAMANTHA: Wait! [a] Did anyone happen to watch tonight’s six o’clock news?
    DARRIN: No, what’s new?
    SAMANTHA: Plenty.
    LARRY: And it’s probably all bad, so let’s go home and go to bed.
    SAMANTHA: They indicted that councilman.
    DARRIN: You’re kidding!
    SAMANTHA: Honest. They indicted that councilman
    LOUISE: Which one?
    SAMANTHA: The one that took the bribe.
    LARRY: I’m glad to hear it. And now that justice has triumphed, let’s go.
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] And if you think that was something, you should have heard the weather forecast.
    DARRIN: What was it?
    SAMANTHA: Fair and warmer.
    LARRY: Fantastic. Now get your purse and . . .
  • Episode: The entire above scene is cut and replaced with:
    SAMANTHA: Larry, you can’t eat, play bridge and run. It’s your surprise party. It wouldn’t be polite to Darrin and Sam.
    LARRY: Louise, the polite thing is to leave at a decent hour. Right, Sam?
    LOUISE: Well, it is pretty late.
    SAMANTHA: I have an idea. Let’s play a word game. See if you know the answer to this. What’s black and white and red [read] all over?
    LARRY: A newspaper.
    SAMANTHA: Wrong. Samantha, do you know the answer?
    LOUISE: No.
    DARRIN: Try me, Louise.
    SAMANTHA: What’s black and white and red [read] all over?
    DARRIN: An American flag with a lot of mistakes.
    SAMANTHA Wrong.
    DARRIN: What is black and white and red [read] all over?
    SAMANTHA: A zebra with a sunburn.

  • Script:
    LARRY: . . . .She’s been acting strange all day long. I mean . . .this whole thing - -the surprise party and . . . .[a]
    LOUISE: No offense, Larry, but Darrin and I would like to gat to bed early. I’ve had a strange day myself and I’m kind of pooped.
    DARRIN: Come on, you two. You’re beginning to sound like you’re ready for the retirement village.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Mother! Mother! [Endora POPS in with Bombay who has a vial] [a]
    BOMBAY: Toughest safari I have ever been on. My nurse doubled as my supply-bearer, but she said my behavior was unbearable.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    LOUISE: [to Darrin] Darling, what’s the matter with you? Larry is tired. Why do you keep insisting that they stay?
    DARRIN: Well, it just wouldn’t be fair for them to go home early on Larry’s own surprise party.
  • Episode: The above is cut and replaced with:
    LARRY: I know you and Darrin are tired, and I apologize for Louise’s behavior. But I have learned through the years that it’s better not to fight it.
    DARRIN: Larry, don’t be silly. The evening’s young.
    LARRY: Well the evening may be young, but I’m not. If you don’t mind . . . .

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: I can’t.
    BOMBAY: You must.
    SAMANTHA: I’ll try. [a] it wasn’t last night, it was this morning. [b] Dissolve Scene to Stephens’ Bedroom.
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is cut. At [b] there is no dissolve, the scene remains in the Stephens’ Kitchen.

Stephens’ Bedroom:

  • Script: [Samantha and Darrin are asleep as in the teaser, and the action duplicates the teaser]
    SAMANTHA’S VOICE: I was tossing and turning. [Somewhere in limbo, Samantha stands in an evening gown among leafy trees with a heavy wind blowing against her]. It was very windy. [The wind whistles through the trees producing the sound effect of a single word repeated and repeated. The word is: “Louise”. [a]
  • Episode: The lines are as in the script, but the bedroom/dream action is cut. The scene takes place in the kitchen. At [a] is added: “And I kept hearing over and over again, “Louise”, “Louise”, “Louise”. Well, that’s about it.”

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: ENDORA: Forget it, sawbones. [she POPS out and [a] then he POPS out]
  • Episode: At [a] is inserted:
    BOMBAY: Oh, well. Back to my nurse.


EPISODE TRAILER – the script continues with the second act

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: [Samantha and Louise have switched back to their right places] [a]
    LARRY: Louise, what are you shaking me for?
  • Episode: At [a] is added:
    LOUISE: Larry, Larry, wake up!

  • Script:
    LARRY: Thanks for dinner.
    SAMANTHA: It was our pleasure.[a] [the Tate’s exit]
  • Episode: At [a] is added:
    LARRY: We’ll see ourselves out. Louise, come on. You drive.

FADE OUT to the END


SCRIPT TRAILER – Not used in the episode.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: [Darrin enters]
    DARRIN: Hi, Sweetheart, I’m home. [they kiss]
    SAMANTHA: Hi, Larry.
    DARRIN: Hi who?
    SAMANTHA: Hi, Henry? Hi, Aloysius? Hi, Mo?
    DARRIN: Sam, don’t do that.
    SAMANTHA: I’m sorry, How was your day?
    DARRIN: Fine. How was yours?
    SAMANTHA: Sensational!
    DARRIN: Oh, what happened?
    SAMANTHA: Louise came over to take back her copy of “Martial Unrest”.
    DARRIN: Did you finish it?
    SAMANTHA: No. She told me not to bother. She said on second thought she decided it was trash.
    DARRIN: I guess that means things are okay with Larry and Louise again.
    SAMANTHA: Everything was always okay. They just needed a little something to make them appreciate each other. And we gave it to them.
    DARRIN: Did Louise say that?
    SAMANTHA: No, I did.
    DARRIN: What did we give them?
    SAMANTHA: Separate vacations. And we were so clever they didn’t even know it.

FADE OUT

 

 

# 223, Money Happy Returns

TEASER

Stephens’ Patio:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: The kind we can afford . . .now you and Adam run up and get [a] dressed for breakfast.
  • Episode: After [a] the line is changed to: “him dried off and ready for breakfast.”

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Good morning, El Moutho.
    SAMANTHA: [a] Never mind, you two. [b]
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is changed to: “Okay, you two. Now stop that.”

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Did you pop a pool into our back yard? [a]
    ENDORA: Oh, that . . .yes. It’s a gift to my suffering grandchildren.
    SAMANTHA: They are not suffering! And that was a horrible thing to do! [b]
    ENDORA: Why?
    SAMANTHA: Darrin’s out there.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script: ENDORA: No one seems to appreciate me . . .[a] I was merely saving you some money. You couldn’t replace the pool I gave you for less than five or six thousand dollars.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


ACT I

Street:

  • Script: Calls for the cabbie to be out of the cab when Darrin pays him. He spies the package as he starts to get back in the cab.
  • Episode: The cabbie looks out the back of the cab before he pulls into traffic and sees the package in the back seat. He then gets out of the cab to get the package.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script: Calls for Samantha to finish ironing a pillow case and start to put away the ironing equipment.
  • Episode: Samantha puts a dish in the cabinet.

Stephens’ Kitchen Intercut with Darrin’s Office:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Hilarious, in fact?
    SAMANTHA: Uh, oh – it’s getting [a] less funny every second.
  • Episode: After [a] the line is changed to: “funnier every second”.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: He found enough to buy his children a whole ocean. And I’ll thank you to zap it back where it came from. [a]
    ENDORA: I never unzap other people’s zappery.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, you’re beautiful.
    ENDORA: Yes. I’ve known that for some time. But back to the point. I did not “zap up” any money.
    SAMANTHA: Then where did it come from? Money doesn’t grow in cabs.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Street:

  • Script:
    KOSKO: This area is too crowded.
    CABBIE: To ask a fellow for an envelope?
    KOSKO: There’s so much noise. Maybe he wouldn’t hear me. [a] Besides I like to conduct my business in private.
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: I didn’t accuse you.
    SAMANTHA: [a] But you had an idle thought about accusing me and that’s enough. [b] Darrin, you’re being obstinate, childish, stubborn, and pig-headed.
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is changed to: “Oh, yes you did!”


ACT II

Tate’s Living Room:

  • Script: SAMANTHA: I don’t blow up at Darrin very often, but this is one time he really asked for it.
  • Episode: Before Samantha’s line is inserted:
    LOUISE: Men, they’re all alike. Darrin called and sounded like he was having a nervous breakdown. Oh, what a performance.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Sure, but first I’d like to ask something; Mr. Kosko, where did you get all that money? [a]
    KOSKO: I didn’t get it selling Girl Scout cookies and I want it back now. Now! [b]
    DARRIN: Come on, Sam - - I’m sure Mr. Kosko [c] is a very busy man.
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is changed to: “I got it selling Girl Scout cookies and I want it back now”. The line after [c] is changed to: “has a lot more cookies to sell. He is a very busy man”.

  • Script:
    KOSKO: Of Kosko and Braun. Public Relations and Advertising.[a]
    LARRY: How do you do. Darrin, can we talk a moment? [b]
    DARRIN: Really, Larry, I’d like to finish up with . . . .
    KOSKO: We’ll wait. Our transaction will be better off made privately.
    BRAUN: But make it fast.
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is changed to: “Kosko and Braun. Public Relations and Advertising”. The lines after [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: You took money from them already?! [a]
    DARRIN: [pushing him out] I’ll explain later. [Larry pushes back into the room]
    LARRY: I can give a bonus too! How much was in that envelope?
    KOSKO: A hundred thousand.
    LARRY: A hundred thousand!
    DARRIN: That’s over a ten year period! [b] Larry, let me explain later.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: I’m not leaving until I know where we stand. [a] I’ve been good to you, Darrin. [b].
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, take it!
  • Episode: The line between [a] and [b] is cut. Samantha’s line is given to Kosko.

  • Script:
    KOSKO: [he pulls out a gun] Will this jog your memory a little? [a]
    BRAUN: We want our money now!
    SAMANTHA: Would you consider a check?
    KOSKO: Okay, lady, I’m going to count to three.
    DARRIN: Sam, give him the money. [b]
    SAMANTHA: But, Sweetheart, do you think it’s proper to give them back money that’s probably stolen?
    KOSKO: Stolen. Ma’am, I’ll have you know that money was earned fairly and squarely from a number on unfortunate horse players.
    SAMANTHA: Oh.
  • Episode: After [a] is added:
    DARRIN: Wait a minute.
    KOSKO: Lady, the boys don’t like to have their collections tampered with.
    DARRIN: The Boys . . . .?
    The lines after [b] are cut.

Front Yard of 1164:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Like I always say, police are always around when you need them.
    SAMANTHA: Officer, these men are [a] in the racing business. Maybe you’d like to ask them some questions. [b]
    KOSKO: And you seemed like such a nice lady. [c]
    SAMANTHA: Here’s the evidence.
  • Episode: Between [a] and [b] the lines are changed to: “members of some boys club who make collections. Maybe you’d like to see what they collected. [she hands the officer the envelope”. The line after [c] is cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script and Episode agree.

 

 

# 224, Out of the Mouths of Babes

TEASER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Like a man who’s going to break par today. [a]
    DARRIN: [kisses putter] I love you, you gorgeous thing.
    SAMANTHA: Mother warned me it wouldn’t last.
    DARRIN: Let’s be civilized about it, Sam. This is just a weekend affair. Once I get her out of my system, I’ll be back.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Larry, is there something wrong? [a]
    LARRY: [touching his chest] We’ll survive.
    DARRIN: Acid indigestion? [b]
    LARRY: It’s Mother Flanagan.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Let me warn you, Larry. This putter also doubles as a deadly weapon. [a] Now what are you trying to con me into? [b]
    LARRY: [to Samantha] It’s hard to talk sensibly to a man who’s about to mug you. I’ll fill you in, Sam. Mother Flanagan is leaving Sloane and Sloane Advertising and thinking of coming with us. Only thinking, mind you . . .[c] if we come up with a super advertising campaign for them. Do you follow me so far?
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut as are those after [c].

  • Script:
    LARRY: A brilliant summation, Sam. [a]
    DARRIN: Sam, I wish you wouldn’t be so brilliant with my weekend. [to Larry] Forget it. I’m playing golf today and tomorrow.
    LARRY: Darrin, do you think Sam enjoyed giving you the bad news? But she knows these things will happen in business. Flanagan will come directly here from the airport.
    SAMANTHA: I think you should have checked with us first.
    LARRY: I am checking. Something light for lunch. Tomato surprise . . .a white wine . . .
    DARRIN: Larry, I’m playing golf today and tomorrow.
    LARRY: Maybe you’re right. If you’re joining the pro circuit, you’ll need all the practice you can get.
    DARRIN: Who said anything about . . .
    LARRY: When I fire you, you’ll have to have some way to make a living. [b]
    SAMANTHA: Larry, you have the heart the size of a full grown pea. [c]
    LARRY: You know I was just kidding.
    SAMANTHA: Yeah . . .I was kidding too.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. In the next line, “full grown pea” is changed to, “overgrown pea”. The lines after [c] are cut.


ACT I

Stephens’ Den:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, forget about him and concentrate. [a] Think Irish.
    DARRIN: Irish. Ireland. The Emerald Isle. The Wearing of the Green. The first green has traps front and rear and . . .ah, there I go again.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: Do you remember the Unicorn Handicap? [a]
    SAMANTHA: Of course. You and daddy took me there when I was a little girl. [to Darrin] It was fun, Sweetheart. [b]
    DARRIN: The Unicorn Handicap?
    SAMANTHA: Like the Kentucky Derby, except with unicorns.
    ENDORA: Well, they’re off and running. [to Tabitha] And Grandmama wants to take you. [c]
    DARRIN: Just hold on. Where is this Unicorn Handicap?
    ENDORA: It’s just the other side of the . . . .atmospheric continuum.
    DARRIN: Forget it. I’d prefer she stay on this side of the atmospheric continuum.
    SAMANTHA: But, Sweetheart, it’s a very special occasion.
    ENDORA: That’s right . . .it takes place only once every hun . . . .
    SAMANTHA: Never mind, Mother.
    ENDORA: Oh, sorry. Anyway, I’ll have her back in time for cocktails.
    DARRIN: You won’t have her back in time for cocktails because [d] she’s not going anyplace except maybe the park to play mortal games.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and [c] and [d] are cut.

  • Script:
    ENDORA: There! Now your appearance has caught up with your mentality. [a]
    TABITHA: Oh, this is fun. Now I can go to the park and play mortal games with Daddy.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Reviewer’s Note: After Endora changes Darrin into a 10 year old boy, the script cues for Darrin as a boy are: DARRIN/BOY.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, you’re really in no position to debate the issue. [a]
    DARRIN/BOY: She had no right to do this to me.
    SAMANTHA: What does it matter who’s right or wrong? You’re only four feet tall.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: . . . . .he ran over to the nursery to pick up some things for the garden. [a]
    LARRY: Then how come both cars are in the garage?
    SAMANTHA: Because, like I said, he . . .uh . . .ran over to the nursery. It’s part of our neighborhood campaign to fight smog. Our slogan in - -“Let’s jog . . .no . .
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    TABITHA: . . .and they made him captain. He was better than most anybody. [a]
    DARRIN: I had a lot of help from . . .my daughter the “witch”.
  • Episode: After [a] the lines are changed to:
    DARRIN: Why not? I was the only kid on the team who was an All Star forward at Missouri State.

  • Script: HERBIE: . . . .Cause without you, we don’t stand a chance against the Black Hawks. [a] They’ve got this bully that . . .
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Endora, I’m sorry. I’m contrite. I’m apologizing. I’m even grateful. [a] [Endora POPS in. She waves and Darrin is his old self again.]
    ENDORA: You mustn’t over-do.
    DARRIN: Thank you.
    ENDORA: You’re welcome . . .and now, if you’ll excuse me…I want to get back to the Unicorn Handicap. [she POPS out]
  • Episode: The lines and action after [a] are cut. Endora does not POP in. Her line, “You mustn’t over-do” is only her voice o.s., as she returns Darrin to himself.

  • Script: DARRIN: . . .I wouldn’t have found out the problem is not in the advertising - -it’s the taste. It’s as simple as that. [a] I don’t care how much Flanagan spends on advertising, it’s not going to help.
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.


ACT II

Stephens’ Kitchen [later]:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: The word is horrible.
    LARRY: That is your opinion. [a]
    DARRIN: . . .and a million other Americana who have never come back for seconds. [b]
    LARRY: Well, it’s our job to convince the public that they like Mother Flanagan’s Irish Stew whether they like it or not . . .[c] and in the process collect our usual fee.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] and after [c] are cut.

Stephens’ Den:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: [she enters bringing Darrin a cup of coffee] How’s it going Sweetheart?
    DARRIN: I’m trying to bend my integrity and it’s not working.
    SAMANTHA: Why don’t you take the negatives and turn them into positives.
    DARRIN: For instance?
    SAMANTHA: How about this . . .Try a can of Mother Flanagan’s Irish Stew. What it lacks in flavor, it makes up in nourishment. Besides, at 59 cents a can, what do you expect, Beef Stroganoff?
    DARRIN: Sam, you may have something there. I hope Larry thinks so.
  • Episode: The above scene is completely cut.

Stephens’ Kitchen:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Sam, you’re not suggesting I go through that kid routine again. [a]
    SAMANTHA: Sort of “Out of the mouths of babes”.
    DARRIN: Not out of this babe’s mouth.
    SAMANTHA: Okay, okay. I was just offering a little witchly help.
    LARRY’S VOICE: Darrin!
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    DARRIN/BOY: It’s only my opinion, sir.
    LARRY: [shouts] Darrin! [a]
    FLANAGAN: Now speak up, boy. Don’t be afraid. Why didn’t it taste good?
    DARRIN/BOY: I don’t know sir. I’m just a young boy telling the truth the way I see it. I’m sure the stew is healthy and everything, but it just doesn’t taste good.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Okay. What if you were to lower your price to 39 cents a can. That would still give you a profit of 10 cents a can, right? [a]
    LARRY: But what good would that do, Samantha?
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Hallway:

  • Script and Episode agree.

 

 

# 227, Laugh, Clown, Laugh

TEASER

Stephens’ Entryway:

  • Script: Calls for Samantha to come down the stairs wearing a negligee.
  • Episode: She wears slacks and a blouse.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    ENDORA: To anyone but you, Durwood, it would be obvious. I’ve been playing sand polo in the Sahara. [a] We were two goals ahead when the game was called on account of a sand storm.
    SAMANTHA: [to Darrin] Be patient, Sweetheart.
    ENDORA: We were late getting started because the camels stampeded. I had to walk a mile for a camel. [b]
    SAMANTHA: How do you play from a camel’s back with such a short mallet?
    ENDORA: Tall ball. [c]
    SAMANTHA: Come on, Sweetheart, make the best of it. It won’t kill you to laugh.
    ENDORA: Although it could be arranged.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b], as well as the lines after [c] are cut. The word “polo” is inserted between “play” and “from” in Samantha’s line.


ACT I

Darrin’s Office:

  • Script: [The camera pans up to Endora sitting on a high perch. She throws a zap at Darrin to freeze him. She then POPS down in front of him] .
    ENDORA: We simply must do something about your abysmal sense of humor. It isn’t fair to my daughter to be saddled with such a Glum-dum. [a] [the intercom buzzes, she answers it in Darrin’s voice] Yes? . . .My wife? Tell her I’ll call back. [she hangs up] I’ve got to increase my tempo.
  • Episode: [Darrin is shown frozen before the camera pans to Endora. She is not shown throwing the zap.] The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script: DARRIN: If you’re wondering who to blame for this . . .[a] my mother-in-law dropped in this morning and . . .[b] My mother-in-law has one terrible habit . . .breathing. [c] I didn’t speak to her for two weeks - -I didn’t want to interrupt her . . .but I am worried about her health . . .it’s too good.
  • Episode: Between [a] and [b], the line is changed to: “We were watching a comic on television last night”. The lines after [c] are cut.

Larry’s Office:

  • Script: DARRIN: . . . .If there’s a nip in the air, he tries to drink that. [a] When snakes get drunk they see him.
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

  • Script:
    LARRY: You were right, Darrin. You’re sick! Take the rest of the day off! [a]
    DARRIN: Talk is cheap - - except when you’re going to a psychiatrist. I heard of a psychiatrist who has a new kind of shock treatment - -he sends his bill in advance.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: The other one says, “If I knew that, I wouldn’t be here”. [a]
    LARRY: Mister Jameson, I know what you’re thinking. You think that I used pretty poor judgment in keeping a man as light headed as Stephens on an account which as you pointed out is a serious business. Right?
    JAMESON: You hit the nail right on the head.
    LARRY: This is one time I would have been glad to hit my thumb.
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Oh, dear. Did she do something mean? [a]
    DARRIN: Mean? She has a testimonial from Attila the Hun. She’s the kind that knifes you in the back and then has you arrested for carrying concealed weapons. [b]
    If you were drowning, she’d throw you the whole rope.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are changed to: “Mean? Your mother is so mean she has a testimonial award from Attila the Hun. If you were drowning, she’d throw you the whole rope.

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: [to the air] Mother, this is without a doubt one of the meanest things you’ve ever done to him. [a] And I want it undone, by the time I count to three. One, two, three! [silence] Four? Five? Six? Seven?
    DARRIN: Seven and eleven are still the most popular spots in Las Vegas.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, have you no pity? [the phone rings, Samantha crosses to answer it]
    DARRIN: In Las Vegas, money isn’t everything - -in fact if you’re there long enough, it’s nothing. People like to gamble - - -that’s why marriage is so popular.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, be quiet. [b] [into phone] Hello . . . Oh, hi, Larry.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

Larry’s Outer Office:

  • Script: [As Larry hangs up from talking to Samantha, Jameson comes out of Larry’s office].
    LARRY: Just spoke to Stephens’ wife. He’s on his way back.
    JAMESON: I really should be going. My wife’s alone at the hotel suffering from her migraine. Which reminds me, my bursitis is getting worse. [Larry propels him back into his office].
    LARRY: What you need is something to eat. Let me take you to lunch.
  • Episode: The above scene is cut.

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: You know, Mother, that life isn’t just one big joke.
    ENDORA: Perhaps not, but he is. [a]
    SAMANTHA: Mother, as soon as I make this phone call, I want to have a serious talk with you.
    ENDORA: You’ve got mortal fever! You’re beginning to take yourself seriously. And I refuse to be a witness to a total disintegration. [b] [she POPS out.]
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut. After Endora POPS out, the following is added:
    SAMANTHA: Oh, you’re driving me out of my tree.

Stephens’ Driveway:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: It’s just . . .something I thought of. [a] I’m sorry to hear about your sister.
    GLADYS: Yeah. And the worst part is her son just ran away from home.
    DARRIN: That’s awful. [he laughs even harder]
  • Episode: The lines after [a] are cut.


ACT II

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script: DARRIN: Sam, stop it. Don’t say anything serious. Call Larry back and stall him. [a] Tell him anything you want. Tell him I’m sick. It won’t be a lie. Then get in touch with your mother and tell her she’s through as a relative if she doesn’t hake this spell off immediately. Or even sooner! [b] Now . . .I’m going in the den and close the door so I can’t hear anything. . . . .
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b] are cut.

  • Script: [Samantha is on the phone]
    SAMANTHA: He was a little under the weather . . .Larry, you’re screaming.
  • Episode: The lines are changed to:
    SAMANTHA: Well, Larry, he was a little under the weather.
    LARRY: WHAT!!!
    SAMANTHA: Larry, you’re screaming.

Stephens’ Entry Hall:

  • Script:
    DARRIN: Have you been enjoying your stay in town, Mrs. Jameson?
    MRS. JAMESON: Not especially. My bursitis has been acting up.

REVIEWER’S NOTE: When Jameson is first introduced, he has bursitis, and his wife has migraine headaches. In this section of the script, when the Jameson’s first arrive at 1164, their illnesses are reversed. The episode corrects this cross-up and the later part of the script also corrects the error.

  • Episode: [The lines are changed to:]
    DARRIN: How do you do, Mrs. Jameson. Have you been enjoying your stay in town?
    MRS. JAMESON: Not Especially. I have a miserable migraine.

  • Script:
    MRS. JAMESON: I’m glad you think my [a] bursitis is funny.
    DARRIN: [b] I don’t. I think it’s tragic.
    LARRY: I gather something’s very amusing. You wouldn’t want to share it with us, would you?
    SAMANTHA: Forgive us, but that woman who was just here? She said she was looking forward to her fortieth birthday next week and Darrin said . . .she’s looking in the wrong direction! . . How about a drink?
    JAMESON: Thanks, but we’d just like to get the layouts and go to the airport. Besides, my migraine keeps getting worse.
    SAMANTHA: Oh, I know how painful that can be. [Darrin starts to laugh]
    JAMESON: [to Larry} I don’t know what he’s got, but I hope it isn’t contagious. [to Mrs. Jameson] Martha, don’t get too close.
  • Episode: At [a] “bursitis” is changed to “migraine”. After [b] the rest of the scene is cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: You may ask, why am I laughing?
    JAMESON: I’ll bite [a]
    DARRIN: Right! And so will every customer, if we can show them how to face the prospect of misfortune with a smile.
    LARRY: Darrin, you’re facing the prospect of misfortune right now . . .and nobody’s smiling. [b]
    SAMANTHA: Darrin’s idea is to use laughter as a means of relief. We all know that laughter is a sign of health. [c]
    DARRIN: Right, let’s throw out the old fashioned image of the gray-haired model in the dark suit. Let’s take insurance out of the gloom and doom department.
  • Episode: The lines between [a] and [b], as well as the lines after [c] are cut.

  • Script:
    DARRIN: . . .Keep your mother-in-law at home - -where most accidents happen. [a]
    SAMANTHA: How’s this? “When we find you’re underinsured, we cry harder”.
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.

  • Script: SAMANTHA: That’s wonderful, Mister Jameson. Laugh and the world laughs with you. [a] Cry and they laugh even harder.
  • Episode: The line after [a] is cut.


TRAILER

Stephens’ Living Room:

  • Script:
    SAMANTHA: Sweetheart, I know it’s been a terrible day for you, but look at it this way - - you laughed your way right into a renewal of the contract.
    DARRIN: Please call your mother. Appeal to her better nature - - if she happens to have one.
    SAMANTHA: Darrin, shhh! You never know when she’s eavesdropping. [Endora POPS in]
    ENDORA: Samantha, that hurt.
    SAMANTHA: Mother, how would you like to be the first mother on record to be blacklisted by her daughter?
    ENDORA: I only wanted to lend a little merriment to this atmosphere of quiet desperation, but I see it’s hopeless. [she waves at Darrin] The spell’s off. Now you can go back to your ho-humdrum existence.
    DARRIN: And you can go back into the woodwork. [Endora POPS out]
  • Episode: The entire above is cut. The episode TRAILER begins with the ringing of the doorbell and the delivery of the flowers.



Fly through the SEASONS:

1
#'s 1 - 36
2
#'s 37 - 74
3
#'s 75 - 107
4
#'s 108 - 140
5
#'s 141 - 170
6
#'s 171 - 200
7
#'s 201- 228
8
#'s 229 - 254

HOME